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The Craigslist Files #167 - Animal Madness

A few animal-themed “best of” Craigslist posts to bring a chuckle.

This week I decided to have a little more fun with the “best of” section - a place that never seems to lose its entertainment value.  My only regret is that it doesn’t fill up quicker.  Considering the number of crazy crap that shows up on Craigslist, it seems that the “best of” would be overflowing with strange and humorous posts.  Alas, it appears that they really do filter these to get only the best.  By that notion, of course, it means that the “best of” is the most functional section on the entire site.

I found three interesting listings that have a nice animal theme to them.  Instead of spouting off my usual pile of crap, this time the posts pretty much speak for themselves.  They are rather long-winded, but worth it in the long run.  So sit back, crack open a beer and enjoy the ludicrousness that is the world of Craigslist.

The first of the three concerns a man with a fish.  Apparently he can’t think of a name for said fish so he’s instead appealing to the good nature of Craigslist readers to help him with this little problem.  He’s even been so generous as to offer some rewards to those that might choose to help.  Of course, he’s asking for money as well… go figure.

Name my fish

I have a fish. Pretty good lookin fish if you ask me. Best looking one in Wal-Mart. Got drunk and thought hey! Fish sounds like a good idea. Bad idea. So now I'm stuck with a fish.
I have no desire to give it a name. But I feel like this fish is now my friend. Weird situation to be in. (not sexual). 
I need a name for this fish. She lives a pretty interesting life.
Whoever offers me the most money will receive the privilege of naming my fish.
I'll post updates of the offers here at the end of everyday.
HERE'S WHAT YOU GET IN RETURN!!!
-weekly updates in my fish's life every Monday.
-she lives a very interesting life. 
-the fish's dead corpse when it dies.
-or a video of it's viking funeral.
THIS AMAZING OPPORTUNITY ENDS AT THE END OF THE MONTH!!!
If you have any inquires, please hesitate to ask. Its a fish. Not very much to it.
Serious bidders only. This Wal- Mart fish means a lot to me. And by a lot I mean very little.
Poor college student with a stupid fish that thoroughly enjoys swimming... but she acts a little fishy sometimes.
Shoot me an email with your offer and live your life vicariously through my fish's life.
PICTURES!!!
-Picture number 1: THE FISH
-Picture number 2: FISH PLAYING BEER PONG
-Picture number 3: FISH WATCHING FISH PORN (she's a dirty girl)

The next posting is an advertisement for someone seeking a job.  Well… sort of.  More like looking to indulge some strange sort of furry-related fantasy.  Or perhaps just seeking to avoid work.  I don’t know… you read it and figure it out.

Pet Cat for Hire

The Position
I'm hiring myself out as a pet cat to anyone who wants to own me. I truly believe I would make a great pet cat, much better than your typical cat. If you're interested we'll sign a one year contract, renegotiable at the end of the term. Basically, I'll provide all the services of a pet cat, while you pay for all my food and housing, plus incidentals.
Things About Me
I am at my best slacking off, sitting around the house, that kind of thing. Very much like a cat. My lifelong passion and hobby is napping, and my qualifications in this field are impecabble. Sometimes I change rooms or chairs, and sometimes I even go to the front window to see what's going on in the street. One of my favorite moments is the long drawn out yawn accompanied by a full body stretch. At nights I like to take a nip outside and prowl around town, getting back a bit before sunrise.
My Job Experience
1995-1998: lived at my parent's. No job whatsoever and lounged around the house.
1998-2000: lived at my sister's place with her fiance. Still no job, watched TV mostly from the couch, sometimes the floor. Achieved all goals and overcame all obstacles, gained the experience needed to move myself forward professionally.
2000-2004: lived at my girlfriend's. No job, lounged around in her backyard when she was away, curled up on her lap when she got home.
-references available
What I Will Do As Your Pet Cat
Basically my objective is to fulfill all the duties of a domestic cat. I promise to sit around the house all day doing nothing, catch naps, maybe watch some TV. I will NOT do any work whatsoever, nor will I pick up the phone. Since we cats like to stay clean I will have a long warm bath two times a day. When you come back after work, I will give you 30 seconds of affection, then go back to my nap. If you speak to me about what happened at work I will gaze impassively at the wall, and you will have no idea whether I am listening to you or not. I will largely ignore any friends or relatives you bring over.
What You Will Do As My Owner
Your job is to provide me with all the food I need to stay happy. (uhh, I'm a talented cat too so I know how to open the fridge and help myself to food, keep it stocked). Its also up to you to keep the place clean so I can find plenty of areas to sit and nap. As a potential owner you'll most definitely have a TV with satellite (like all cats I'm mesmerized by the moving things on the screen) that I'll be able to watch while you're at work. All medical/dental expenses covered by you the employer. I'm not your typical stay-at-home house cat so it's vital you leave a window open at night so I can go out and roam. Don't worry where I go, if it makes you feel better than leave me some spending cash on the table before you go to bed.

I wonder what this fellow would do if you decided to have him neutered.  After all, it’s important to spay and neuter you pets and help keep the populations down, and just because he’s only pretending to be a cat is no excuse.

The final individual has duck-related problems.  You can tell that he truly cares for his poor duck friend and wishes only the best for them, even to the point of reaching out to Craigslist to find someone who might be able to take care of the issue.  He’s even been conscientious enough to post updates so that everyone knows what’s happening with the situation.

Need Help With A Duck

I am looking for someone who can relocate a duck - thats the short story 
I have a pool and every year a mallard and a hen show up and occupy my pool until I open it. This may sound dumb..... but I am serious. I have always had an assortment of methods to chase them away - and easily, bottle rockets etc.. radio, teenagers. Eventually they end up somewhere else - just not my pool. This year the hen showed up without the mallard. She won't leave and I'm pretty sure its the same one that has been here every year. 
She won't leave, and I'm too nice to just go and be mean. 
Well, I feel completely stupid, if someone knows how to extract a duck, well, I'm all ears. 
Oh and YES I do get laughed at, at the office..... 
Is there an online dating service for ducks? 
Thanks for looking.. and stop laughing - I am serious :) 
**************** UPDATE ****************** 
Thank you Craigslist people who have sent me a link to 
plentyofduck 
I probably misrepresented the hen as well... in heat or something..... (SORRY HEN) 
Well, of course it took about 2 minutes to find a greenhead and they are a happy couple..
Now.. I'm changing gears... 
I'm having a fundraiser so that they can get a room... and do what they are doing now..... not in my pool........... 
If you STILL want to relocate the ducks, they need a honeymoon suite..... somewhere else... 
Glad someone (something) is making the best of this warm evening 
THIS IS NOT A JOKE !!!!!!!!! 
************* LAST UPDATE ****************** 
WOW ...... this went way out of hand... 
NO I WILL NOT MAKE A PORN DUCK SITE!!!!!!!!!!! You Craigslist >>>&^&&^%&% ... people scare me.... read a book or something 

I hope you enjoyed the weirdness as much as I have.  Check back in next week when I will have yet another exciting installment of “The Craigslist Files!”  Okay, so maybe not so exciting, but still definitely installed.