Well folks, it looks as if my stint here at the Craigslist Files is coming to an end. Hopefully, I have managed to entertain during my stay here and giving people a few smiles. I’ve certainly learned a lot about society from reading all the crazy crap that comes through that site, though I don’t know if I’m really any smarter for it. But to every good thing there must be an end, and here is mine. Today, I’ve gathered up a random assortment of five strange posts from Craigslist. Check them out below and enjoy.
This first guy is just looking for something free. I mean, you can’t sell a high-five, can you? I’m pretty sure there’s little to no market value for such a thing. But I guess if all you wanted was a sore hand, his offer might appear to you. Or it might just be an easy way to get rid of some old, broken crap.
WTT High Fives for any Musical Instrument
Have some instruments (pianos, trumpets, guitars, hurdy-guydys) that you need to get rid of? I will take these off of your hands, and in return you will receive a solid High Five. I have been told that my high fives are top-notch, so this is a very good deal. I will take just about any bass, flute, mandolin, violin, tuba, what have you...I am not picky. So hit me up with an awesome email and let's strike a deal. Local deals only. No traveling to high-five you. Low Fives also, though they aren't as satisfying.
Next up, a classy guy that wants to treat his lady right is looking to make the next fast-food date experience into something special. At least it seems as if the wife is in on it, otherwise, I’d be worried that a divorce would end up replacing desert for the evening.
Waiter needed for roughly 2 hours
As kind of a fun change of pace, my wife and I want to have a fancy diner at a McDonalds. I need someone who is willing to be our waiter so that we can make this happen.
We will show up for dinner wearing formal attire. You must provide your own formal attire for this gig. Slacks, dress shoes, and a button-down shirt and tie, or a dark cocktail dress and flats. I will provide you with the tablecloth, napkins, nice plates, and wine glasses. You need to get there before us and have the table set up and ready to go. You must greet us at the door and show us to our seats and hand us our menus (they have them up front). Once we order, just go up to the counter and buy the food from the employees (but wait a while so it seems like they are making our food). But don't forget to keep filling up our drinks!
When we are finished, bring us the food receipt and I will pay you for the food, plus $50 for your services, plus tip. The whole thing shouldn't take longer than a couple hours including setup and cleanup. Please be as professional as possible.
Third on the list, yet another person posting his marital grievances openly on Craigslist. This seems to be a popular method of self-therapy ever since the Internet came into power. Though this certainly won’t help the guy up if his ex turns up missing in the near future…
To my cockroach ex-wife
Dear Whore of Lucifer:
I have recently enrolled in a 12-step program for people whose lives were decimated and finances ruined by lawyer bills when their spouses filed for divorce after finding someone else to fuck and run off with. I am currently up to Step 8: Willingness to Make Amends. As such, I apologize for the following recent transgressions:
Told the drunk at the bar who wanted a Red-Headed Slut that he's more than welcome to you if that general contractor douchebag is done with you.
Annoyed the staff at several hospitals by calling to see if they had any fresh organ donors on hand with a heart suitable to replace your cold, dead one.
Demanded a refund from Southwest Airlines because I tried to get you on one of their planes but they refused to let my bag fly free as advertised in their TV commercials.
Scrawled your cell number in the stall of the john of the bar at the American Legion post down the street with an offer of free prostate exams for all veterans 65 and older.
Told my neighborhood U.S. Marine Corps recruiter that I knew the exact location of the dank, hopeless cave Osama Bin Laden was hiding in and provided the GPS coordinates to your pants.
Lit several offering candles at your church with prayers that karma would hurry its ass up and come around to you while I was still alive to see it.
For these things, my dear handmaiden of Satan, I make my amends. I'd still love to see your head squeezed in a vice until your eyeballs squirt out of their sockets, but I have to go along with the program.
Fourth up, a strange request that is, if the title is to be believed, “not a joke”. I have to say though, as far as unique party gags go, this guy definitely tops the list. Lets just hope that the ducks in question don’t turn violent or, worse yet, decide that their little dollar-bill hats look tasty enough to eat.
Need to borrow/rent live ducks (not a joke)
Hosting a house party. Need ducks for party game.
Ducks will be unharmed and I prefer the owner remain with the ducks to ensure proper care and safety to both my and your standards.
Compensation: invitation to party, free drinks for the entire night, or if you prefer small cash fee ($40?)
Details: ducks will be gently secured into passenger seats of model train set. origami hats made of 1, 5 and 10 dollar bills will be placed on each ducks head.
Guests will pay a dollar for an opportunity pick a hat from a ducks head as a prize as the train passes by them. One dollar per attempt (lap around tracks)
Serious inquiries only please.
And finally, a poor pet in need of a home. Given its supposed levels of stupidity, however, I have to wonder if the poor creature will live long enough to find a new owner.
FOUND: Adorable, stupid cat. Please save him from himself.
We found this guy in our back yard on 12/17, yowling in the rain, even though we have an awning under which he could have been staying dry. We decided to feed and water him, and put him in our cellar overnight. When I went to check on him this morning, his ass was sticking out of the ceiling. He had thoroughly wedged himself between the beams and gotten himself stuck. (I guess he was trying to be Basment Cat and Ceiling Cat at the same time.) I rescued him (again) and brought him inside, where I gave him a bath (narrowly escaping with my life). He is now asleep on my bed. Alas, I cannot keep him, because we already have four cats of our own.
Who needs a kitten? Kittens are cute, but this older model (approximately 2 or 3 years old) comes with all these great features:
Medium-length, silky black coat, freshly shampooed
Huge, soulful golden eyes that stare STRAIGHT INTO YOUR SOUL
Speaks all 37 dialects of Felinese, and can sing (I think he's a tenor)
Quality, deep rumbling purr when contented
Litter box trained.
Two impressive testicles**
So, now that you no longer have me to act as middle man, you must all go search Craigslist yourself for amusing posts. Do not worry, however, as they are quite abundant. And if you can’t find any that you like, you can always make up one of your own. All crazy is welcome over there, so don’t be shy.