I like to read the “Best of…” section on the Craigslist. If you’re a regular reader of my work here, then you’ve probably figured that one out by now. Most of what I examine here in my own particular way comes from that area. Let’s face it, there’s just tons of great comedy fodder there. Sometimes, however, there is stuff in there that is so odd that it’s really hard to classify under any particular heading. Sometimes people post things that could have only been written while under the influence of some illicit substance or perhaps a few days of sleep depravation. For those unique posts, I create this unique post. I celebrate you, oh posters of Craigslist, in all you madness and glory, with this tribute to the truly bizarre.
This first one immediately makes me think of a drug-induced hallucination I once had. Sometimes you end up with imaginary friends that seem quite real. The following individual’s friend is a unique sort, and this poor fellow wants him back. While he may have gotten plenty of troll replies to his post, I’m guessing the only way he’ll ever find his friend is through the use of more illegal substances.
I LOST PANCAKES :-(
I was floating down the river on my tube, and Pancakes was right next to me. He is a small, 13 legged centipede who loves taco sauce, hardy partying, and never forgets to take his gummy vitamins. I looked back and he was gone, floating away. . . SCREAMING. No one knew what to do. He is a very good floater, probably because of all the gummi vitamins he takes. He never eats McDonalds when I do either. If you find him could you please e-mail me immediately!?? I miss him so much and I have no one to talk to, and no one to drink beerz with. He was my only friend. He was supposed to be 12 this upcoming Feb. 9th. He is an Aquarius.
Ps. He Has A SMILE as BRIGHT as the SUNNNNNNNNN :-)
Second on our list involves someone who doesn’t quite know how economics works. Either that or his view of belly button lint is not that of the ordinary human. Who knows? Maybe he’s from a faraway planet where this item is used for currency and worth its weight in diamonds? Or it could be, as with the previous individual, this guy just had a bit too much fun before randomly posting something on Craigslist.
belly button lint
I have a collection of belly button lint,will trade for muscle car,harley,rifles gold coins work also or make cash offer ,also interested in motor cycles. no lowball serious only willing to split if you dont have what im looking for,,
And finally, a girl who found a real treasure but is kind enough to return it to the poor bastard that lost it. Warning - the following post is a little bit insulting to the handicapped, a little bit racist, a little bit vulgar and quite a bit stupid. If you do happen to be the owner of said item, however, you may have just hit the jackpot for some free sex with a most likely medicated lady.
Did you leave a prosthetic leg on the bus this morning? - w4m
I found a prosthetic leg wearing a Lucchese brand cowboy boot on the bus this morning. I'm not sure what brand the leg is, but it's only the shin and foot portion and it's not mechanical looking. Rather, it looks semi-real--almost like it could be from a giant plastic doll or something. I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and tried the boot on. Magnificent! At first I wondered why a prosthetic leg user would have purchased such a comfy boot. Then I figured that you probably have another leg and foot that actually work and they probably really appreciate the cushion and arch support provided by the Lucchese boots. I really hope I can meet you and ask you more about your condition. I wonder what Koreans would say about you if you went in for a pedicure. Do you get charged half price for pedicures? That would be fucked up if you didn't. Do you think they'd charge me full price if I went in for a pedicure with you?
Anyway, I really want to give you your prosthetic leg back because I imagine that you're hopping around, or worse, forced to wear a makeshift papier-mâché leg, or worse, forced to wear a thick tree limb like a pirate. Hopefully we can meet for lunch sometime and I can give you your leg back. Oh, and please only respond if you're attractive. You see, there's this fantasy I have, like a modern-day Cinderella, where I finally meet the owner of the leg and he turns out to be a charming prince. Well... maybe not a prince. I want you to be a sexy cowboy war hero who has had one of his legs and both of his testicles blown off in a grenade explosion in Afghanistan. It would be really romantic for you to sweep me off my feet in some café downtown. And then we'd both fall over because your makeshift tree leg wouldn't be able to support both of us. We'd share a laugh. I'd kiss you on the cheek and then reattach your professionally made prosthetic leg for you. Based on how breathtaking your prosthetic leg is, I can only imagine that you're incredibly handsome. I would have taken a picture of the leg, only for the pleasure of readers paging through, but I don't have a digital camera. I did the best I could sketching it. Please know that this is now way as amazing as the real thing!
So there you have it, another round of “why on Earth do I continue to read Craigslist?” If you feel that you’ve gotten your money’s worth (i.e.: you don’t think I owe you money for the horrible post I just put you through), then check back in next week for more crazy antics courtesy of the freaky people who frequent the CL. Until then, keep both legs firmly attached.