Back in the days when I was a useless drain on society (re: college), I visited an academic advisor for general education requirements. Unlike Major advisors, general education types got shoved into windowless corners like a shameful secret. In the sub-basement of one of the Humanities buildings I met with this woman to discuss the progress of my education, only to find myself surrounded with cat paraphernalia in frightening density. The wall was lined with cat mugs, snow globes, photos, plush dolls and office supplies. For some reason, this behavior still isn't considered a sign of mental imbalance.

I feel it's high time you cat people started to explain this nonsense to me because I am at the mortal limit of flabbergast. What's your deal, anyway? Why is it that every other variety of pet owner on the planet manages to be reasonable and sane about the filthy, non-food animals in their midst while you seem to have willingly gone off the deep end? Did the ancient Egyptians place a curse on all Western peoples after Alexander kicked the Persians out and conquered them? Did I just waste my time with a historical reference on the Internet?

I'm not saying that there isn't something inherently off about keeping a lower species of creature in your house for purposes that are entirely inventions of the mind, but the amount of crazy in cat ownership seems to be disproportionate to the ownership of other animals. Dog people certainly come a close second, though they exhibit far more lucidity when it comes to the true condition of the beasts they call friends. Dogs do respond to a small vocabulary of simple words, they try to make themselves useful in quaint but well-meaning ways and in their limited capacity for food-inspired sympathy they even show concern for their owners. As for people who keep fish, birds, reptiles and even spiders as pets, I can only assume they do so in an attempt to stroke a latent God Complex.

But while most dog owners know that their pets can only vocalize in four ways (bark, growl, howl and whine) and some bird owners have pets that can verifiably speak, cat owners exercise an astounding amount of wishful thinking when it comes to the speech capabilities of the thumbless wretches they call their friends.

Of course, Youtube is utterly replete with videos of crazy people and their cats. It's a natural evolution of the many, many cat-related websites that popped up practically the instant after the Internet went mainstream. The Web is a place where all people, regardless of dysfunction, can fool themselves into thinking they're normal. It only stands to reason that you'll be able to gather a forum full of individuals who think just like you when your sample group is roughly 3 billion people.

I don't know how I can make this any more clear: Cats are not your friends, they are not your babies, they are not your precious little snuggy-wuggums who love mommy wery, wery much. Keeping a cat as a pet is a lot like taking in a high-functioning drug addict anarchist who weighs four pounds. As the following video demonstrates, cats are nothing but destructive idiots who antagonize everyone and everything for no discernible reason.