Youtube Nation: Vuvu-hell-a

I'm sorry, Discovery Channel's hopelessly lame attempt to have an Internet presence, that didn't even begin to explain the cultural monstrosity that is the vuvuzela. For those of you who are blissfully unaware of the vuvuzela and its awful contribution to society, it is a long, now typically plastic horn that is capable of making only one note and that note is a sour one. South African soccer... er, football... um... hold on a second. On the one hand, I recognize that a lot of my readers are American like me, so calling the sport "football", however accurate, is still a bit confusing. I also recognize that the Internet is an international place, so it may be appropriate to call the sport "football" in deference to the rest of the world. But since I absolutely hate this silly argument and I've never seen the lasting appeal of that sport, I've decided to henceforth refer to it as Kickie-Snore. Right, now where were we? The vuvuzela has found its way into the global vocabulary by way of South African Kickie-Snore fans who brought them along for the World Cup. Originally the instrument was crafted out of the horn of a wild beast called a kudu and was a method for calling far-away tribesman back to the village. So, it's pretty much a South African shofar only not as good.

According to SCIENCE, the vuvuzela is capable of damaging human ears within a meter of itself and World Cup officials have seriously considered banning the instrument for both the safety of the crowd and the concentration of the players. I have no idea why they didn't, as it wouldn't have been hard to enforce. Even if someone were to manage to hide a three-foot long, neon-colored horn while entering a stadium, security officers would only have to identify the biggest assholes in the line, a feat made easier by their annoying cell phone ringtones and propensity for the non-word "woo!"

But what's truly annoying about the vuvuzela is that it has become a meme outside South Africa. Just two weeks ago I'd never even heard of the damn thing and now Youtube is flooded with videos of "ironic" vuvuzela orchestras and other uninspired attempts at comedy. Perhaps it's because the vuvuzela itself is like a meme made flesh. It is simple, absurd, annoying and cheap enough to be suddenly ubiquitous. Ya know, like the Crazy Frog. As far as I can tell, the only reason the vuvuzela is a meme today is because it has a funny name, is irritating and actually exists. For example, a device called a Jiggywakadu that does nothing but curdle all milk within ten feet of itself is not a meme purely because it's fictional, while an instrument called a vuvuzela that only makes one, very loud, very unpleasant note is a meme because it's real.

It's especially tragic that the vuvuzela wouldn't be a part of our society now if it weren't for the Internet, or at least the Internet the way we use it today. Without Youtube and the infectious word-of-keyboard that has become our giggling geek-dominated culture, the vuvuzela would have remained confined to South African Kickie-Snore matches where it would only be the second worst thing the country ever contributed to the world. Seriously, I was starting to like South Africa after it gave us Charlize Theron and District 9, but then District 9 would never have happened without Peter Jackson, so at least half of the credit for the film actually belongs to New Zealand. So, congratulations, South Africa. Today you are most famous for one hot chick, the most annoying musical instrument in history and apartheid. Keep up the good work.