Youtube Nation: I Will Be Still An Instant and Creep You The Hell Out

This being the holiday season and therefore prime temporal real estate for religious folks to plaster on an extra layer of crazy, I've been spending a not insignificant portion of my energy mocking the most absurd of 2009's yuletide developments. So far, they've all made some kind of sense, at least according to their own internal logic. Then, the above video found its way into my life and for all of my analytical prowess, I just don't get it. It would be one thing if this guy, the creepiest of the creepy grandpa Internet all-stars, was just some random mental case who lived in an intricately constructed universe of nonsense pulled entirely from his own confusion. But that's not all there is to The Master Teacher. He's not only a disturbingly unbalanced individual, he also fancies himself some kind of Christian guru.

So I'll admit right now in front of any and all readers that I need some help with this one. Christians, what the hell am I looking at? The Master Teacher has recorded a video that wouldn't be out of place in one of David Lynch's nightmares and he's apparently done it to promote his own bizarre version of your faith. The only reason I know this is because I visited his website, a pretty standard space cadet version of the already countless number of silly, preachy pages that dot the landscape of the Internet.

I'm actually rather disappointed that TMT is just another religious wingnut. The more perverse part of me wanted Gramps here to just be a uniquely insane individual with a Youtube account where he could post his long, rambling fantasies in all their creepy, creepy glory. Maybe I just don't understand the nuances of modern Christian ritual, but it doesn't seem all that mainstream to promote the love of Christ through old jazz music and icky come-ons.

Oh, if only this video was some kind of strange performance art. It's just so delightfully unsettling the way TMT saunters into frame like some kind of demented Mr. Rogers in his sweater, comb-over and glassy gaze. He responds to silence as if he were experiencing a vivid, imaginary social event. Because my own imagination tends to run away on its own, I do believe that TMT dragged me into his illusory world. This is what I see in his video:

It's 1945. The United States is ecstatic over its recent victory in the Second World War. The boys are finally coming home and one of them is a strapping army corporal who will one day be known as Master Teacher. He strolls into the ballroom of one of many celebratory soirees, looking dapper and honorable, yet humble, in his military formals. He nods hello to the well-dressed folks moving to and from the dance floor, some he knows and some he doesn't. There to his left is his old pal Rich Chamberlain. Poor guy missed out on all the excitement on account of a bum knee from his football days. Ah, but he did his part from home and he was always a real stand-up guy, that ol' bastard. He invites TMT over to his table and the young soldier obliges.

There, over the course of a long, magical evening, TMT makes the acquaintance of a lovely young lady, let's call her Rose, and their rapport is instantly strong. They share dances, trade stories and generally grow more enamored as the night draws on. Of course, we viewers only witness this exchange as taking place over only a minute or two, but in TMT's mind hours have gone by. Made bold by his time on the front, he brazenly asks Rose to come home with him (about 1:00 in) and she agrees. They make passionate love and have deep, honest pillow talk afterward.

At least that fantasy makes a lot more sense than believing that staring into a camera for four minutes muttering stalker-talk will compel people into the church and teach them how to achieve transcendent states of mind. After the jazz and the creepy stares have ended, TMT barrels into an incomprehensible tangle of philosophical jargon and hand gestures, punctuated by a sort of prose poem that attempts to convey his supposed beliefs. I'm not often baffled, but after ten and a half minutes of The Master Teacher I can't even begin to understand what's going on. There are Japanese game shows that make more sense than this video.