Youtube Nation: Fight Tube

Ya know what I really like? Hick fights.

I should qualify this. I'm not some sadistic jerk who likes to watch people beating each other. I also don't get my rocks off laughing at poverty. But you can't deny that when most people fight, they look like total spastic morons and it's hilarious.

I'm thoroughly convinced that humans did not evolve to be good fighters. Even deer are more bad-ass than us when they get into a tussle. They measure each other, rear back and slam head-first into each other with jagged antlers. They barely even flinch. Even our closest genetic cousins, chimps, don't screw around. A chimp will haul off and tear your arm from its socket like you're a teddy bear. But humans? Unless a person trains for years in a particular martial art, they're almost certain to revert to "angry little brother" mode as soon as things get real. The dominant strategy for human assault seems to be a combination of wild flailing and aiming for the least effective target possible. Observe:

In this particular battle, two kids in what looks to be some sort of surreal, David Lynch style depiction of the country duke it out like two sentient piles of fleece. I know for a fact these kids suck at history, otherwise they would have remembered that even ancient warriors who couldn't figure out basic algebra knew that wearing loose clothes and having long hair pretty much guarantees that you're going to lose a fight. Aside from a few rapid kicks from soft, sneaker-clad feet, these boys prove why our species is better off killing things from a distance with machines. They frequently pause after a roll or a tackle because, yeah, what are you supposed to do after that? Headbutt? That's the single most ridiculous fighting move ever invented.

But if Youtube has taught me anything, it's that there is nothing scarier on the field of war than a teenage girl. Sure, most of the time girl fights devolve into an intractable bout of hair-pulling (also hilarious), but there's more to it. Unlike boys, who get so consumed with rage that they lose all self-consciousness, girls do their best to maintain some kind of dignity when fighting. This means they're only going to lash out when they're reasonably certain they're gonna land the punch. Remember, the two girls in the above video are friends and they still wail on each other like underground pit fighters.

And then there's this popular video. These may be my favorite kinds of street fights. Trained martial artist vs. wannabe thug fights always go the same way. The martial artist gets into form, the thug takes his sweet time doing anything other than posturing, then an almost imperceptibly fast punch puts the thug on his back after a brief period of wild flailing. You may only use that time-tested art of combat once or twice in your entire life, but it's probably worth it to make some ignorant tough-guy go down like a giraffe running head-first into a concrete overpass.