Youtube Nation: Citizen #1

There is no mercy in this world. None. If there was, I wouldn’t have to enter the shrill media void called Youtube every week. Since nature is cruel and I'm reasonably certain that there is no God, I have been forced to welcome you to Net Insanity’s newest feature, Youtube Nation. Every week I'll be looking at a different video and trying to figure out what's going on in it and why exactly someone deemed it necessary to share it with the world. I have some ground rules, though. Every video has to originate on Youtube. No crazy foreign TV clips, no sketches re-posted from other sites. Without further ado, let’s meet the President of the Youtube Nation, shall we?

First introduced to us as a glob of quilt and anger, the unnamed brother of Youtube user wafflepwn comes storming into his room, and into our hearts. In his hurried intro while he hides his camera, Mr. Pwn informs us that his brother, who I will henceforth refer to as Citizen #1, is a bit upset that their mother has deleted Citizen #1’s World of Warcraft account.

Through a series of nearly imperceptible movements, Citizen #1 quickly removes his pants. Why? Well, after watching this video so many times, I’ve learned not to question Citizen #1’s actions, only to embrace them for being uniformly hilarious. At 49 seconds in, C#1 has assumed his preferred manner of dress: Shirtless in silly boxer shorts. If screwball comedies from the first half of the 20th century have taught us anything, it's that boxer shorts with hearts on them make everything funnier. 

Three seconds after de-shirting, C#1 enters his closet for the first time. His purpose there is unknown because he comes back out a mere second later. I will pay one of you readers to make me an animated .gif of C#1 walking in and out of his closet. Seriously. 

At 57 seconds into the video, C#1 has his first official “flip out”. Observe the majesty of his angry wails and gargles as he thrashes around on his bed. Epic as this tantrum already is, I'm well aware that it's a time-honored tradition to call weird things on the Internet “fake”. There is a good chance that this video is indeed staged, the first indication of which comes at one minute, eight seconds when C#1 beats his chest like a gorilla... A hopelessly ineffectual, bald, white gorilla.

The moment in this video that will go down in history comes at one minute, eleven seconds. Citizen #1 inexplicably decides to express his anger by attempting to forcibly insert a remote control into his nether regions. Now, I analyze the Internet for a living and I still have no clue what this is supposed to mean. Four seconds later, C#1 is on the floor, one gag shy of vomiting. Don’t worry, he gets his second wind soon.

At 118 I’m convinced that C#1’s angry superpowers are recharged by his closet, because this is his second trip there. This time, he produces a shoe with which he proceeds to bludgeon himself. After the shoe-club proves ineffective in banishing the geek demons from his skull, my personal favorite moment comes at 128 when Citizen #1 screams about hating his life, then lets out a savage bellow that I’m pretty sure sounded a lot more frightening in his head than it sounds to us.

Soon, wafflepwn implores his brother to shut up, causing C#1 to grow self-conscious of his tantrum and ultimately leave the room. Was this purposely timed to make the video Youtube-friendly, or did wafflepwn actually reach the limit of his own nerves? We'll never know. At the two minute mark, wafflepwn retrieves his hidden camera and expresses his self-satisfaction.

After the success of Greatest Freakout Ever, wafflepwn tried to capture spastic lightning in a bottle a second time by recording his brother screaming at a fellow MMO player in front of the computer, but the magic just wasn't there. I guess we can't really expect much more than that from an emo kid with a retainer.

Citizen #1’s great freak out is like a PSA for nerd rage. I don’t think we need any further proof that World of Warcraft needs to be classified as a Schedule I drug. If you play WoW, or know somebody who plays WoW, you have a responsibility to curb the horrors of this destructive addiction. Doing so may dismantle the Youtube Nation, but it may just save our non-Internet society.