I used to think I was too jaded to be shocked by anything on the Internet anymore. Just a couple weeks ago, I was secure in my ability to brush off anything that popped up on my screen. So, when I found an ad on craigslist for a get rich quick scheme using the name and likeness of shameless billionaire Donald Trump, I just assumed what any reasonable person would. Honestly, would a super-rich asshole like Trump really take the time to rope a bunch of idiots into an affiliate marketing scam using the worst web design imaginable? It turns out, the answer is "yes".

For all I know, The Trump Network could be a stroke of inspired thinking and not just thinking inspired by a stroke. There are several layers of red flags about this system before you even get to something resembling a respectable website. Granted, I'm several orders of magnitude away from anything even approaching the American concept of wealth, so maybe Trump's most recent foray into profitable humiliation will work out. As it stands, getting to the actual Trump Network site requires a slog through several scam-tastic marketing bids, including a craigslist ad with no qualities that discern it from every other scam ad, as well as a horrible, buzzword-laden landing page.

It's quite possible that some run-of-the-mill scammer stumbled across the beta site for the actual Trump Network and just piggy-backed on the name recognition to grab a few bucks from unsuspecting idiots. Considering that the landing page hasn't been updated concerning details like the time and location of the various "Founder's Meetings" I'd say that the guy calling himself Mike Mathiesen is just a short-lived wart on Donald Trump's latest self-whoring endeavor.

But that still doesn't explain the main page of The Trump Network. There's an embedded video player that runs an ad featuring the man himself, which means that either Trump is actually at the center of an affiliate marketing scheme or he is so oblivious to his own schedule that someone managed to record this message without him knowing where it was going to eventually land.

The idea behind The Trump Network is to get a bunch of lazy, greedy numb-skulls to sell completely worthless health and wellness products that manage to reach Cure-All Tonic levels of absurdity. Take, for instance, the Quikstik, a nebulous item supposedly designed to improve one's mood in snack form. I'm pretty sure things like that have existed for a long time and now most of them are illegal, so I doubt the Quikstik is anything but a colorful placebo. Combine that useless product with nonsense like Silhouette Solution planned meals and a home nutrient deficiency testing kit to get the full breadth of Trump's latest scramble for the money of seriously stupid people.

Amount of Time Likely to be Wasted: There's a lot of small text and multi-layered pages on Trump Network. You'll probably also watch the opening video a few times just to try to figure out whether Trump is angry, confused or has a tummy-ache. Give this one at least twenty minutes.

Likelihood to Result in Arrest in Real Life: High. Whenever Trump and company catch up with Mike Mathiesen he'll go away for fraud, but I think Trump himself is going to need a team of lawyers just to get out of the eventual quagmire of his products' various poisons and false claims.

MCDR: Remember that unbearable screen adaptation of The Little Rascals from the early 90's? Yeah, Trump was in that. Go watch it to remind yourself of why you shouldn't work for him.

Internet Depth by Preposition: In leaning toward Of. Scams are always In, but the level of sheer meme-like absurdity in this particular scam couldn't exist without the Internet.