Toys With Dicks: Thanks, Internet!
If Lewis Carroll wrote Alice In Wonderland in the 21st century, Alice definitely would have stepped through her computer monitor instead. The Internet is a nonsensical, utterly backward place in which no avenue leads to reason, no corner is properly lit and the tea parties are frightening disasters. The biggest problem of navigating the Web (ha! Nobody uses Navigator anymore!) is identifying the fluctuating levels of sincerity in every site and forum post. Being an inevitably postmodern exercise (i.e. characterized by instant self-reference), the Internet is rarely serious. Almost everything here is a joke. Whether it comes from a need for amusement or an abyss of insecurity, this technology consists overwhelmingly of elaborate pranks and failed satire. The strangest parts of the Internet don't come from the intentional jokes, though. It's when someone is completely serious that the true weirdness of the Net becomes disturbingly apparent.
There are many ideas and business models that could only exist on the Internet. They're either too stupid, too narrow or too offensive to take purchase in a real-world setting. Take, for instance, Amamanta Family, a website that specializes in producing anatomically correct dolls for what they assure us is a variety of purposes. This "I can't believe this actually exists... wait, it's on the Internet" business manages to hit the trifecta, being stupid, narrow and offensive all at the same time.
Amamanta Family hand-makes some very cheap-looking dolls that come complete with genitals, breasts and even birth canals. The owner of the business, Elli Villegas, tells the (long) story of how she met a mysterious Colombian woman named Margarita in New York who had a penchant for putting crude facsimiles of dicks on what are supposed to be children's toys. Seeing a business opportunity, Villegas decided to market these dolls to those American parents who have their heads permanently buried in a steaming pile of pop psychology.
The supposed intent of the Amamanta dolls is to teach children about human anatomy by... look, I tried writing this sentence about five times I could not for the life of me come up with a single way to make it not sound creepy. The thing is, I'm not really a prudish person. It's just that maybe we should trust that our kids are observant creatures who don't need dolls and books to describe every little thing about life. There are a lot of anatomical omissions in toys. Just because your action figure doesn't have a spleen doesn't mean your kid is going to grow up ignorant.
But the really ridiculous thing about the Amamanta dolls has nothing to do with their crude organs. These dolls are more likely to turn your children into bigots than they are to make them comfortable with their own bodies. The non-white dolls are some of the most hilariously racist toys I've ever seen. Want a black doll? Prepare yourself for its corn rows and gigantic lips. How about an Asian doll? One eggshell-white, slanty-eyed abomination coming up! And the Mexican dolls... oh, the Mexican dolls. Sombrero, anyone?
Amount of Time Likely to be Wasted: The site is huge, ugly and very wordy. You'll probably spend at least a half hour laughing and screaming alternately.
Likelihood to Result in Arrest in Real Life: This one is up there. While one might posit that dolls representing small children complete with genitals is a cultural thing, I still think it points to a latent dysfunction in the maker. I mean, even the French don't make kids' toys with dicks and birth canals.
MCDR: If you are ever asked to contribute to the care of a small child, rest secure in the knowledge that you get to grant them a scant few years during which they don't have to worry about what's between their legs.
Internet Depth By Preposition: This one is confusing. I think I'm going to go with In leaning toward Of. The intent behind Amamanta Family is a real-world business, but the concept is so ludicrous it could only exist on the Internet.
