Stars of the Internet (and beyond): Vern Fonk

Judging by the way my comments section fills up with vitriol and the way small children burst into tears whenever I enter their field of vision, I've come to assume others tend to see me as a negative sort of guy. I mean, sure, it is my job to make fun of things I find on the Internet, which is a lot like pelting a Special Ed class with water balloons full of tar, but there's more to me than that. I'm not just some angry drunk who assaults strangers with electronic literature, I'm also one of those insufferable twats who gets a kick out of gaudy shamelessness and isn't afraid to celebrate it. For example, I love the holiday season, but not because I'm into things like colorful lights and goodwill toward anyone. Heck, I don't even observe the empty consumerist version of Christmas (or the meaningful religious one, for that matter). No, I love the holiday season because every neighborhood has at least one jerk who goes way overboard with his decorations. I'm talking a million blinking lights on his house, a robotic Santa with an elaborate sleigh, even a giant, glowing crucifix in his lawn. I love that jerk for his excess. Similarly, I love jerks like insurance salesman Vern Fonk for his.

Those of you who live outside of Washington and Oregon have probably never witnessed the insane glory that is Vern Fonk. He makes his coin selling all kinds of insurance to the residents of Cascadia using an impressive array of batshitness. The primary delivery device for the Fonk family's madness is the television commercial, a medium that you may or may not have noticed is slowly being swallowed by the very abyss with which this blog is concerned. But that doesn't faze the Fonks. Their commercials are effectively tailor-made for the Internet. They're self-consciously stupid, deceptively cheap and mostly incoherent.

Still, there's a firm foundation of the postmodern in Vern Fonk's marketing scheme. The ads and the thoroughly off-putting website lack the oblivious innocence that defines crappy local businesses in the Midwest. Fonk Insurance knows exactly how bad and ridiculous its approach is and it ups the ante whenever possible.

I'm willing to embrace the awful weirdness of Vern Fonk because it strikes me as an elaborate art prank rather than a proper business. I can't imagine who they're actually trying to sell the service to. The demographic that tends to enjoy this kind of madcappery also tends to have neither insurance nor the funds necessary to purchase it. Don't get me wrong, I love that there exists in this world an actual TV commercial for car insurance that ends with the police beating the living hell out of a driver and his wife, but it doesn't make me want to buy a policy from these people.

For their sacrifice and their dedication to things that maybe shouldn't exist in popular media (and maybe also for the image of a Fonk's face hastily Photoshopped onto the body of a monkey) I'm happy to grant Vern Fonk Insurance the AK Smile Seal of Approval. It's a rare thing indeed for something that exists primarily outside the Internet to receive this award. I'm not saying any of you readers who live in Washington or Oregon ought to actually buy Vern Fonk insurance, but I do think the company's contribution to Internet culture is a positive one.