Man oh man, is it cold outside. The Eastern Seaboard and the Midwest have both been buried underneath a brutal storm of ice and snow, winter weather advisories are going off every other day and everyone's pipes are so frigid that it takes ten minutes just to get a stream of tepid water in the shower. Yeah, it's pretty miserable, but ya know where it's even colder? Russia. Yes, that big, red former global superpower gets mighty chilly this time of year, which makes me feel sorry for all the folks who have to live through yet another remorseless slavic winter. That's why I'm so glad that websites like LavaPlace exist. Like so many concerned citizens of the world, I was convinced that the Internet had destroyed the age-old institution of the Russian mail-order bride service. Imagine my joy when I discovered that not only is it alive and well, but that it has expanded to other former Eastern Bloc countries as well. Why limit yourself to Russian girls when you could have a Ukrainian or a Lithuanian instead?

Being in the spirit of giving for the quickly waning holiday season, I've decided to give one lucky foreign lady the gift of love and American instant prosperity, but I have a problem with which only you readers can help me. You see, there are so many excellent specimens of the female persuasion on LavaPlace that I just can't seem to choose which one to grace with my incredible American-ness. I've scanned the site for helpful tips, but alas I could not find any particular guide to choosing which bride is right for me. I had similarly lacking luck over at Lavalife, the original American site of which LavaPlace is undoubtedly a cheap Eastern European knock-off, much like my favorite Russian TV shows Funny Workplace and The Parody News Program Which Is On Every Day. This is why I'm turning to my generous audience to aid me in selecting my future wife. Here are the top contenders.

This is Ekaterina. She's from (lovely?) Saratov, Russia and while her day job is in human resources, in her heart she's a real poetess. At the age of 35, she has had her worldly experience, including one marriage that sadly didn't work out, or as Kati (that's what I'd call her) puts it, "the joint life has not developed". I don't mind that Kati puts on mainly conservatively from for works because she assures any suitors that she has interest to put on in beautiful and elegant things is. Such class, readers. 100% class.

 

 

Speaking of class, this mysterious angel goes by the alluring moniker of lalalalalalalalala666, but I'm calling her Lala for short. I think that poor Lala has endured so many years of loneliness because people just don't understand her. I'll admit, most guys just wouldn't know what to do with a girl whose profile describes her uncannily black-colored eyes and her love for strange, green liquor. Don't worry, Lala. This American with strong hands and a perfact smile knows that you truly are the most best girl in the all world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't care that Masza here barely has anything in her profile and what little there is seems to be written in her native tongue of Polish. She's just so much of a beauty that her radiant presence transcends language. That caked-on makeup, those saggy breasts, that prison-quality tattoo and those dangerously short shorts... Masza is a paragon of Eastern European gorgeousness.

 

So, I leave it to you, faithful readers. Vote in the poll below this article to help me select which of these stunning ladies will be my very own Russian (or Polish) Email-Order Bride.