My Ancient Inbox

Back in the earliest days of webmail, I established an all-purpose email address that for some reason still functions today. I created the account some time in the first half of my high school education, which means the address has existed for approximately one decade. It was established before the first spam filters were even a glimmer in some Indian tech specialist's eye and it has not coped well with the many spurious security updates applied to its ancient structure. As a result, this address accumulates something on the order of 150 spam messages a day. I only keep it around as one of many puppet accounts and for a few laughs. The messages I receive through this address run the gamut of junk mail. Advance schemes, bogus job offers, ads for various methods of organ inflammation, and other Greatest Hits of the spam world flood this account daily.

What was once a functioning email address that received actual, personal emails exclusively has become an isolated plague rat for scams and computer viruses. I've decided to share some of the more amusing or just curious bits of junk I've received lately.

Your Cock Size Will Be Written On Your Forehead

Sender: Claudine Chamberlain
A bigger cock can reach further.

Alright, I was planning on making an extended series of literalist chicken jokes here, but I decided against it at the last minute. That's not to say there aren't plenty of amusing things about this hunk of spam. First, it should be noted that the brief body of the email was nothing but a link that I opted not to click for the same reason I opt not to eat half-finished tacos I pass on the sidewalk. Then there's the matter of the title. What does this even mean? Perhaps in the country from which the message was sent this phrase is some kind of local idiom. Taken literally it's a hilarious image. What an Orwellian horror it would be to stand in line with the men of my city waiting for a man with rubber gloves and a felt-tip marker to broadcast our endowments to all who stand at eye level.

Also, it should be "reach farther".

We are waiting for your nomination

Sender: Javier Nguyen

No Exams/Books/Tests/Interview/classes    
100% No Pre-School qµalification required!       
------------------------------ 
Insïde USA: (number)
0utside USA: (number that makes no sense)
------------------------------    
Bacheelorr, Degree, Mastèer[V]BA, PhDD (non accredited) available in the Field of your choice so you can
even become a doctor and receive All the benefits That comes with it!    
Please leave bëelow 3 Info in Voicémail:    
1) Youurr name      
2) Your country  
3) Your phoñe no. [please ínclude Couuntrycode]    Call Now!! 24-hours a day, 7-Days a Week waiting For your call

Our Staff will get back to You in 1-3 working dayss

Is there any rhyme or reason to the bizarre spellings here? "Youurr"? Seriously? Even if you come from a foreign land that doesn't use the Roman alphabet, how does that look correct to you? Also, what's with the random application of accent marks? Hell, I'm pretty sure there's a Cyrillic character toward the top. All I can say is that's a lot of fun reading this email out loud.

How Do You Live With Yourself?

Sender: Your Sister, if you haven't forgotten her, too.

Michael, we've been trying to get in touch with you for months now. It's fairly obvious at this point that you just don't care, but I'm not going to sink to your level. I found this old email address in the yearbook you left behind. It was under a pile of family photos you had been using as a coaster. On the slim chance you still have this account, I thought you might like to know that Mom's not doing so well. You missed her birthday, again, by the way. If you have any decency left in you at all, you'll call us. Even if you don't, I won't be surprised if you show up when they read the will.

Wow. I don't even know what this message is trying to say. I mean, come on, spammer! At least try to be coherent. Well, I'm deleting it all anyway.