Because so many readers have astutely guessed at it, I have decided to devote this week's Monday column to a play-by-play description of an average day in this professional blogger's life. Like any decent journalist, I feel compelled to prove that I have nothing to hide. If it's my job to dig through the Web's torrent of information to find and process the truth, I have an ethical obligation to apply the same principles of transparency to my own life. So, without further ado, I present this 24-hour rundown of my average work day.

12:00 PM-2:00 PM: Wake, Groom and Prepare

Because I am a diligent Internet worker, I rouse myself at the crack of noon with the help of my limited edition Death Note alarm clock. It features Light, the star character of that super-awesome and not at all over-complicated anime, saying his meme-tastic line “I'll take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!” over and over again until I shut it off. I then arise from my caramel corn encrusted futon and groan at the minuscule amount of sunlight peeking through the ad hoc shades I have pinned in a ramshackle fashion to the basement windows of my mother's split level condo. After making three liters of tea that I will drink alternately with Mountain Dew all day, it's time for me to get to work.

2:00 PM-5:00 PM: Do My Duties as an Internet Surfer

While most people seem content to just let the Internet grow unchecked, I take it upon myself to prune and trim where necessary. I devote the better part of the afternoon to making long, caps lock laden comments on Youtube videos and white knighting on various forums. I admit I get a certain amount of satisfaction out of these activities beyond the service they do to society at large. When I'm cruel it makes me feel powerful and when I defend the indefensible I imagine people in the real world might like me. Throughout this period I intermittently munch on Doritos and Pocky to sustain me.

5:00 PM-6:00 PM: Dinner

While catching up on my vast library of downloaded TV shows (acquired through no small amount of insistence that my fellow torrenters F'ING SEED!!!), I take an average repast of a dozen or two pizza rolls or perhaps a few packages of Ramen noodles with Fritos mixed in. This gives me strength for the rest of the evening.

6:00 PM-11:00 PM: Spastic Blogging

It is during this magical period of sugar and lipid overdose that I compose my mean-spirited blog posts. In my berserk fury, I seek out those websites that exist only to make those who visit them happy and set about writing cruel things about them for no good reason. I do this not because I get paid to but because I have nothing better to do with my time and I don't know how else to channel the frustration I feel when my mother tells me I need to grow up. I also get a mild amount of sexual gratification from this, which is likely to be the only sort I'll ever feel because I am quite obviously a desperate, unscrewable virgin who hates women because they don't find my pock-marked face and horrible girth attractive.

11:00 PM-12:00 PM: Pass Out Crying, Struggle to Rise All Morning

If it's not obvious by now, my entire life is fueled by impotent self-loathing. Therefore, I only attain a state of rest by sobbing deliriously. In the early morning hours, my deep but undiagnosed depression keeps me from so much as moving.

I hope this walkthrough gives you readers a better understanding of who maintains this blog. Thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments, which will undoubtedly be kind and supportive.