Hi. My name is James Randall Berger, but most people call me Jim. I'm 31 years young and I spend my days working at the salt mines, aka the accounts receivable department at Scheuster Analytics. Like a lot of folks, I dream of one day finding that special someone to settle down with, maybe have a couple of kids and eventually grow old with. Easier said than done, am I right? Well, in preparation for the big St. V-Day, I decided to finally give this whole online dating thing a try. The result, as they say at the oatmeal factory after a spill from the Apple and Cinnamon tank, was one heck of a mess.

I started off by making one of them profiles at Match.com. I really liked the commercials and everything, plus there was a pretty girl on the front page so that was encouraging. It was kinda cool how they went and pre-sorted everyone into different categories based on things like race and religion. I was a little wary about opening up my wallet for a full profile at first, but there were so many Grade-A ladies on the site that I thought it couldn't hurt to give it the old college try.

I didn't get much response at first, so I decided to take the free personality test. I got a little self-conscious when they started asking about my hands right off the bat. Then things got a bit more traditional... sort of. I mean, "single income marriage"? I'm here for love, buddy, not financial advice! A few more pages in and the whole thing started to feel like a job interview or some kinda experiment. Nothing like that personality test they had us take at the 10th grade career day.

I guess Match.com was just too official for my tastes. My cousin Tommy, he's in college right now at Kansas State University (Go Wildcats!) and he told me about this other site, OKCupid. He said it doesn't cost a nickle and it's easy to find somebody there, so I thought I'd give it a go. They had a personality test, too, but it wasn't as weird as the other one. At the end they called me The Boy Next Door, which is cool I guess. I thought things were going well at first. Sure, I didn't get many (or any) responses to any of the emails I sent, but I tried not to get discouraged. Then I went into this forum thread called "The Least F-able OKCers Ever" and my name was mentioned a few too many times for comfort. I decided to look elsewhere.

I know it seems a little strange, but I thought I'd try J-Date next. Now, I'm not a Jew or nothin', but my friend Marty met a couple nice girls there so maybe it could work for me. I coughed up another fifty bucks and all I got to show for it was a single date with a lady who was about ten years older and twenty pounds larger than she'd led me to believe. There was something suspicious about her. Maybe it was the cross around her neck or the way she kept on asking me about my tax bracket.

I was about to give up when my buddy Jake told me about craigslist. I posted an ad in their Men Seeking Women section and I was surprised at how many responses I got. A lot of them were girls just looking for a little wham-bam-thankya-man, but that ain't gonna fill the hole in my heart. Plus, they tried to get me to register at a completely different site. I mean, if you're not gonna respect craigslist, why use it?

I finally got a decent reply from a young woman in Skokie. And well, that's how I ended up where I am today. It's been two weeks since I met her and we haven't been apart since. I mean, it'd be hard to be apart from her on account of the way she sewed our hips together. Ah, the things we do for love.

Well, my time is up. I've gotta go put some Bactine on these little bite marks I keep waking up with then it's back to the salt mines. This is Jim Berger signing off. And remember, love isn't perfect, but it's out there waiting for each and every one of us... sometimes in a patch of darkness behind a bowling alley in Skokie, holding a rag full of ether.