Heart of 4Chan: Going East
the face of terrorWe could hear the sound of "Never Gonna Give You Up" echoing from all directions. It had been going on for days, so long that less savvy travelers would let it fade into the background, would sleep easy through it. But not me. The key to staying sharp on the river between the Chans is to constantly remind yourself that everything you see, everything you hear, everything you smell is an affront to all things good. So much rickrolling... the body count must have been astronomical. The only consolation I had was that anyone who would go this deep into the Boards was already lost, in one way or another. When our compass started going crazy, I had to ask which one applied to us.
When the rickrolling stopped, and it did stop so suddenly, I knew we'd crossed over into 2Chan. It was so calm and so dark for the first few moments, but I knew what was coming, or at least I'd read about it. I shouted to the boys to put on their goggles, but HateHat fumbled with his and lost them in the river. Then it came, a flash of bright colors and super-fast synthetic music. HateHat fell on the deck, clutching his eyes and screaming. The poor bastard. We couldn't help him, we just had to ride through the boarder and hope we went unnoticed.
On the shore I could barely make out the shape of some 2Channers. They were just silhouettes to me, but I knew what the shadows hid. Giant eyes, tiny or non-existent noses, toothless maws and hair that could cut through underbrush. They'd seen us too early and I could smell the fight in the air. My gunner was still on the deck wailing like a pig trapped in barbed wire. They'd be on us before we could make a beach head.
I steered the boat toward land and shouted to Clyde to prep his shotty. I was too distracted marking my first target to notice Rufus sneaking up on me with a copy of the original Tenchi Muyo in Love fan-sub in his hand. I took it on the scalp, fragments of cheap VHS case plastic flying into the air. That squirrely geek even managed to tackle me into the shallow water, but he wouldn't be long for this world. I got the upper hand and had the barrel of my rifle in his mouth quick as a bunny... well, a normal bunny. The first sight of 2Chan land I caught had a pond of blood with white rabbit parts floating in it. Not so quick, that one.
Before I could pull the trigger, a flock of busty cartoons wearing librarian glasses encircled us screaming, "Lufasu-san!" They didn't look particularly dangerous. In fact, I had to fight the urge to hold one of them and tell them everything was ok. I shouldered the rifle and let the girls take Rufus into the woods. The little prick betrayed me, but I'm no monster and I should have seen it coming. I told Clyde to grab HateHat and the travel bags. We'd have to go on foot from there.
I was down one man and all I had left was an old salt and a blind gunner. Somewhere in this incomprehensible mess of a Chan, I suspected we'd find a shortcut to the one place I said I'd never go. Pushed beyond fear, we started the trek to GuroChan. At least the falling cherry blossoms were pretty.
log on next week for the conclusion
