Establishing A Scam

Gold-diggers are the most abhorrent women on planet Earth. They mix rank materialism with manipulative lies and a complete forfeit of self-respect. They're basically the Frankenstein's Monster of feminism, all that talk of empowerment rampaging through the village because the majority of its being is irrevocably rotten. For some reason, gold-diggers have been slow to adopt the Internet. Maybe it's because 90-year-old real estate moguls aren't hip to whatever Google's doing, or maybe it was just a major blind spot. Now, for better or worse, the gold-diggers have congregated on a single website where we can ridicule them as they deserve. That site is Established Men.

Established Men is the accidentally conceived silicone implant child of a stripper named Simone Didoun-Cohen. In her profile page on the site, Simone describes her difficulty finding Mr. Right while she was working the pole in Toronto. See, maybe I'm just an old-fashioned guy, but I can't understand why she would have a hard time meeting the right kind of people while she was getting paid to take her clothes off for strangers. Maybe Simone's right, though. Why don't any of the nice ones try to tuck currency into some strange girl's g-string while "She's My Cherry Pie" blasts over the house speakers?

So, Ms. Cohen decided to make a dating site "that connects Young, Beautiful Women with Rich, Successful Men" and capitalizes words unnecessarily. The premise is simple: A man who is too lazy, awkward or desperate to meet women who are actually interested in him as a person makes a profile on a site that advertises his tax bracket, then women who have no qualms about prostituting themselves inundate him with messages in an attempt to single-handedly undo all of the social progress Western civilization has made since Victorian England.

This handsome fellow is Rupert Penry-Jones, a British actor who has a fairly high Google image search rating for "Blonde Guy". For our purposes, his name is James and he's a highly successful lawyer from Beverley Hills. 

When I first came across Established Men, I had a deep desire to launch a grand pranking campaign. Were it not for the fees, I would have done my best to get all 35 women who messaged my account to show up at the same place, at the same time for our first date. If I had the extra scratch laying around, I might have even done it.

Alas, I'm just not the type to dump a week's wages into a scam site just so I can play a joke on the girls who like Jimmy's "nice carreer" and want to tell him that he has "the most gorgeous eyes".

Amount of Time Likely to be Wasted: The sky's the limit here. Established Men even links itself to the moralistic media reaction to its very existence, the best of which is a network news video that does a fine job of painting Simone Didoun-Cohen as a shallow skank turned pimp.

Likelihood to Result in Arrest in Real Life: Medium to high. All dating sites have a meat market atmosphere, but Established Men doesn't even try to hide its companionship-for-money mindset.

MCDR: I was gonna say that you should go out a real date with somebody who likes you for who you are, but this is the Internet, so that's out.

Internet Depth by Preposition: In. The aim of Established Men is outside of the Internet, but it's a service that could only exist legally online.