Degradation Station: Simpsons Porn

hawt

Recently, credit-hogging windbag and occasional cartoonist Matt Groening decided to once again pimp out his blue-haired MILF creation, Marge Simpson, this time to Playboy magazine. Though this particular spread has received a lot of media attention (to which I myself have shamelessly contributed), the Playboy feature isn't Marge's first foray into mainstream spank territory. Maxim reached its yearly absurdity quota a while back when they gave a few pages to shots of the yellow-skinned mom cleaning her kitchen floor in that oh-so-sexy way that all women invariably do. What's really sad about the Playboy spread isn't that Maxim did it first or even that it shows just how clueless both Matt Groening and Hugh Hefner have become. No, the real shame here is that Playboy, a magazine that actually achieved some measure of cultural credibility in the 70's and 80's, has become so irrelevant that it's now cribbing from the worst corners of the Internet. Cartoon porn is the Internet's love that dare not speak its name, a proclivity so vile and embarrassing that when it passes by furryism in the hall the two share a silent, knowing glance of commiseration and self-loathing.

This particular edition of Degradation Station is immensely unsafe for work or school. Each of the following images links out to the frightening, hardcore original. Consider yourselves warned that the "art" in the proceeding paragraphs is not only stuff that will get you fired, but also stuff you won't ever be able to un-see. I sacrificed the purity of my beloved pop culture icons long, long ago in pursuit of my dubious career. There's no reason you need to follow me down that lonely, depraved path.

On their own, drawn pornographic images aren't inherently more awful or ridiculous than photographs of real people. It takes a certain application of imagination to enjoy anything sexual that isn't actual sex. The real danger of cartoon porn is that it welcomes over-indulgence by the artist. In these ridiculous images, genitals take on monstrous shapes and breasts are rendered so large that they go beyond comedy into a realm of sickening disbelief. To add to the cognitive dissonance, we have to see these disproportionate anatomies applied to recognizable characters, made only more off-putting by their nightmarish physiques. Notice Homer's pot belly placed incongruously amid womanly arms and a head that is just slightly smaller than his entire torso. It's just freaky.

Then, as if the bad trip of surreally mis-sized bodies isn't enough, cartoon porn also ventures into the realm of pedophilia. Most cartoons have a lot of child characters, especially The Simpsons. I can't decide whether it's more likely that the artists who create these images are unaware of the implications of these drawings or that they're using cartoons as an outlet for their conscious desire to have sex with children.

Then, at the absolute bottom of the fetid cartoon porn barrel, are those utterly incongruous mash-ups of horrible art and a complete lack of a connection to the source material. These utterly nonsensical images can only be the products of genuinely insane individuals. I cannot fathom the levels of crazy required to conceive of, let alone actually depict, Marge Simpson masturbating while talking to Wilma Flintstone on the phone as Wilma gets raped by Dino the dinosaur.

How is this porn?: Yes, the images are explicitly sexual and they do work on the principle of exploiting famous, mainstream cultural icons in the same way we like to see celebrity nipple slip pictures. They also tap into the freakiest corners of the most depraved human minds.

Why is this insane?: Every possible absurdity related to human sexuality appears in cartoon porn. It's a paragon of reproductive mental entropy.

Does this have any appeal outside the Internet?: Kids have been making blue drawings of popular cartoons for ages and I know there are real people who have the impossible desire to literally have sex with cartoon characters. The problem is that cartoon sex can only exist in the imagination. I can't really say this stuff connects to anything stemming from actual sex.