Craigslist Files: The Whale

remember that old Reeses commercial "How do you eat your Reeses"? Well I came up with my own tv ad for it . Have Reese Witherspoon(the actress) holding a large spoon and then say,¨ How do you eat your Reeses?Witherspoon¨ Get it !!

No, sir. No, I certainly do not. In fact, I'm not entirely sure you even exist.

The above message, my dear readers, is a mere fragment from a fabled craigslist post out of the thankfully far-away (from me) city of Ann Arbor, Michigan. The original post is 2700 words long, spanning six whole pages in a series of giant blocks of text. A majority of it is utterly incomprehensible and the aim of the post is unclear at best. It takes two pages to get even the first inkling that the poster Abilio or "Bill" is making some quixotic attempt to attract a female.

What takes up those two pages prior to his admission of romantic desire? Why, jokes, of course. Scads and tons of stupid, disorganized, borderline nonsensical jokes. Take this gem for example (copyright Abilio the craigslist poster, 2009)

"what did judge judy say after screwing the jury? 'It¦s a well-hung jury' stupid"

Yes, Bill, it is stupid. Thanks for admitting you have a problem. The next step is accepting that you are powerless to stop it without the help of a higher power.

It might shock some of you to find out that Abilio is also an aspiring cartoonist. With luck and not just a little grace, he will achieve his dream of one day seeing the publication of Violent Violet: The Crayon Gone Bad. He promises that it is a combination of The Sopranos and The Flintstones. This leads me to one very important question: Is Mad TV still on the air and if so, why have they yet to bust down Abilio's door to hire him as a writer?

When Abilio finally gets around to selling his attractive, non-(intentionally)-comedic traits, the text is just as baffling. The first thing he says after giving his height and weight is that he's flexible. Now, this can mean he's simply accommodating or that he's literally dexterous. Seeing as Bill follows that statement with both physical and intellectual activities, it could be either one. He tries to convince us that he's the type of guy who goes to the opera, of course that comes directly after he demonstrates that he believes aquariums and museums are related to each other closely enough that they can be referred to with a slash in between, as in "aquarium/museum".

Then comes my favorite part of the entire post. Abilio demonstrates his sensitivity as a romantic partner by imagining a series of detailed hypothetical scenarios in which he would have the opportunity to be thoughtful. Why, he'll clip out coupons for products you enjoy and apparently keep a constant supply of chocolate-dipped strawberries in the event that you have a bad day. Sure, opening up the refrigerator every single day to look at a fresh plate of treats representing your misery would be kinda soul-crushing, but Bill's just trying to be a nice guy here.

Had I more space, I would provide you readers with the exhaustive list of Abilio's favorite movies, tv shows, board games, video games and sports. The list goes on for more than two pages and eventually devolves into a series of "Hey, remember the 80's?" references. Abilio then just cuts the post out of nowhere after a short paragraph about break dancing. His last word is "lol". Like so many stupid, stupid things on the Internet, there is no more fitting a punctuation than that.

I said before that I doubt whether or not Abilio actually exists. A part of me wants this to be something more than just a ridiculous fake-post, but I have strong doubts concerning the authenticity of something so vast and idiotic. Whether the Internet has created such atrocities or simply facilitated their dissemination throughout our world, I believe Abilio's craigslist post is an example of just how much the cancer of stupidity has metastasized in our culture.