Craigslist Files #80: Et Tu, Cetera?

don't let the cuteness fool you, he's full of munitionsIf any of the features on craigslist function, even at a fraction of the quality they're supposed to, the Jobs section does. Sure, the overwhelming majority of the posts in Jobs are still fake in one way or another, but there are enough genuine posts for actual employment that the section's continued existence is justified. In fact, even the fake posts in Jobs are pretty boring. Most of them are get rich quick schemes presented in all-caps or some other, similarly obvious trick. If you want to get a laugh, or possibly a chill down your spine, when visiting Jobs you have to go to the bottom and read ETC. While the Jobs subsections cover a lot of professional ground, there are still some reasonable gaps in the categories. Sometimes it's because there just aren't enough listings to require a whole page (like pet-related jobs) and sometimes it's because they're not really "jobs" in the strictest sense, like the ubiquitous posts for human egg harvesting. The following is just a taste of what you can expect from the ETC listings.

House Keeper Secretary

Part Time
Detail Oriented
References
Experienced
Computer Savvy
Pleasant Water Front Environment
$20 / hour for experienced person.

Mister Mo

Posts like these pop up from time to time and they're always a little bit creepy. Some old fellow, in this case "Mister Mo", is looking for a young woman to hang around his house and do things for him under the pretense that she's a secretary or personal assistant. It's the house keeper/secretary mix that makes this post a little unsettling. That and the fact that the unfortunate young woman who is desperate enough to answer this ad will be working for someone who calls himself by a moniker that sounds like either a cartoon character or some kind of delusional octogenarian. Either way, this arrangement isn't going to end well.

Dog Wrangler Wanted!

Bone A Fide Dog Ranch is looking for a high energy, responsible, flexible, hardworking individual to join our team.
You must be able to watch over as many as 70 dogs at once without getting overwhelmed or frustrated.
You should be able to deal with barking, jumping, dirty, & wet dogs, poop explosions, and about a thousand things going on around you at once.

The above are just a few choice selections from a much, much longer post, but these are really the only things you need to know about this job. First of all, never take a job that opens with an exclamation point. That symbol is the Internet equivalent of a radiation sign. If someone wants you to get excited about something on the Internet, it means they're trying to sell you something you definitely don't want. I'm fairly certain it's impossible to watch 70 dogs at once without getting overwhelmed or frustrated. Also, if I were to take a job that involves some kind of explosion, any kind of explosion at all, I could think of many different kinds of explosions I'd rather be a part of my job than poop explosions. That's something that should never be exploding to begin with, so the fact that it's a feature of this job should worry all prospective employees.

Grab bag job with zany intellectual with a physical disability

Expect the unexpected with this rewarding job doing a wide variety of physical tasks for a woman with a disability that severely affects her coordination and not her far-out but well grounded mind. She loves her work, painting, cats, traveling, and chocolate. She views herself as very able, so she lives a typical life with spontaneity, determination, individuality, and a sense of humor.

Any of you who have been following this column since it began should recognize this post from one of our early visits to craigslist. Throughout the year this post pops up from time to time, which naturally indicates our zany intellectual poster has been unable to convince anyone to take care of her, or for any of her employees to stay. Now, I don't particularly like the idea of a disabled person who has no one to help her, but perhaps this poster ought to re-think her far-out, spontaneous, individualistic, oh-so-quirky lifestyle if it drives away even people who are paid to spend time with her.