This column has its formula. I pick three or four posts based on a theme and I try to connect them with industrial-strength mockery glue. But sometimes I have to break form because I stumble across a craigslist post that deserves some extra attention. Today, I'm going to spend the entire article deconstructing one, somewhat large ad because it is a veritable paragon of bad posts. The sad and remarkable thing about it is that it's genuine. It's not spam or a prank. The following blue text was actually something someone decided he or she needed to share with others.

Idea for new group: Apartment Gardeners ("city"/"county"/The World)

Right off the bat, we know this is going to be a functionally useless collection of words. Found on the Activities page, this post isn't even filed properly, but that's not what makes the title awful. It's the whole "The World" thing. There are exactly two kinds of people who think they can change the world. The first are disgustingly powerful political leaders with nuclear weapons, because they freaking can. The second are overgrown, mush-brained children who watched Ferngully too many times.

For about four years now, I've been kicking around an idea for a new kind
of group. I call it, Apartment Gardeners. It is for people who love gardening,
nature, and helping people. It would serve people who are elderly, shut in,
or even just too busy to do a good job landscaping. The thing is, I want it
to be a type of enlightened anarchy. I don't want to be the leader, or really
even known as a founder. I want it to take off on it's own energy.

After a quick run through the craigslist oblique language translator, we get the following sentence: "I have a vague fantasy about boosting my self-esteem without taking any responsibility for my own actions." Basically, this mutated flower child wants to open a pro bono landscaping business as an excuse to screw around in somebody else's yard, plus all the plausible deniability one could want. So far, this is just stellar.

The way that it would be formed, to have the highest element of trust,
is to be along levels of mutual interest. Those interested in classical
music could help others with that kind of interest. Those interested in some
kind of spiritual interest could help those with a similar interest, and so on.
It could also function outside of mutual interest. The main idea is that
people who live in apartments rarely have the opportunity to spend leisurely
time gardening on sunny days.

One of the most vivid lessons I remember learning in high school was when one of my teachers was describing the evolution of logical cognition. He asked the class to imagine an early hominid who decided he liked apples better than bananas, oranges better than apples, and bananas better than oranges. In my teacher's words, "Animals like him were too stupid to survive". That's the feeling I get when I read the above passage.

The poster's social model involves selecting an arbitrary personality trait, then seeking out individuals who share that trait and happen to need some gardening done. Or, alternatively, to not do that at all. At best, the poster envisions a world in which people only help other people who are like them. Sounds pretty keen to me. That model worked out nicely in Rwanda.

Of course, by the end of the paragraph, the poster goes back to the ideologically neutral position of just wanting to take advantage of somebody else's property. I mean, just because I can't afford a fancy sports car doesn't mean I shouldn't have the opportunity to find some guy who has one and occasionally take his wheels out for a spin.

You can respond to me if you would like to help it get started. I do not have
much time for this because I have other projects and responsibilities.

And a cherry on top. "I want to start a big, ambitious, world-changing collective that eschews social conventions of property to help people connect on a profound level... but, like, not a lot. I'm pretty busy, so maybe somebody else should do it so I can tag along whenever I feel like it." I cannot imagine how much pot one would have to smoke to make this post seem like a good idea, but I'm sure some Mexican cartel leader just bought himself another helicopter with the proceeds.