Ah, Texas. The only American state with an extraterrestrial origin. For those who aren't aware, the entire landmass known as Texas is actually an errant chunk of the planet Mars that was forcibly ejected from our second-nearest neighbor in the solar system for being somehow more desolate and inhospitable than the rest of Big Red. Until humanity can figure out a way to do the same, Earth is stuck with Texas and all the terrible presidents it unleashes into the government of America. But Texas isn't all bad. The state makes some awesome food for those who don't care about heart disease and its sheer massiveness has the ability to alter a road-tripper's perception of time. But really, Texas isn't just one place. It's more like a country unto itself with distinct regional flavors. Of course, the many Texas craigslist pages reflect this.

Consider the city of Austin. It's fairly central geographically, but anyone who has ever lived there will tell you (ad nauseum) that it's ideologically on the far left. Austin prides itself in being different than the rest of Texas, which it is on a number of superficial levels. At its core, Austin is as much in the Texan attitude of bigness, better-than-thou and all-around yee-haw as the rest of the state. It just so happens that Austin's yee-haw is "Yee-haw! We're wantonly weird!" Observe, from the Austin Activities page:

Chinese Circus Pole Classes For Everyday People

The full post is too long to include here, but suffice it to say that it involves an official class called "Brass Ovaries", visiting night clubs called "Rain" (typical), "Allure" (also typical) and "Prague" (I have no idea why), the promise of a process that releases "the happy hormones", and photos taken by someone calling herself "Celesta Danger". This is Austin in a particularly nutty shell. We're weird. We're random. We're so liberal, we don't just want to legalize weed, we want to make it mandatory.

Then there's East Texas, that swampy mess of muggy, ugly cities within spitting distance of Oklahoma. Unless your grandma lives there, you probably don't have any reason to go to the Dallas-Ft. Worth area. If you really must, I suggest mounting a rescue operation for this poor fella in Plano:

in need of wiccan trainer
Hi my name is kenneth and i am a wiccan in training. i would like a trainer to help me learn the ways to becoming a full fledged witch. I am completely serious. bad part is i can only do it over the phone. I know its a weird request but please understand. Please please contact me if you are HONESTLY someone who could help me.

Just imagine what it must be like to be a guy named Kenneth who desperately wants to be an occultist in Plano freaking Texas. Of course he can only learn over the phone. If he goes outside, he'll be dragged behind a pickup truck, or so the movies tell me.

But there is a worse fate than being a meek goth kid in Plano. Kenneth could have been born in West Texas. For some perspective on the region, last week's Youtube Nation of tone-deaf Christian rock band Final Placement came out of Midland. As far as craigslist is concerned, Midland has to share a page with Odessa. One look at the Activities page will tell you why. The page's estimate, which I'm willing to accept as fact, indicates that only five things have happened in the Odessa/Midland area in the past seven months. They are:

1. A city-wide playdate for all children under 8.
2. Zumba fitness classes, whatever the hell those are.
3. An autism awareness event for all of West Texas.
4. The formation of a Pokemon league.
5. A sales pitch for Miche Bag brand purses.

I cannot begin to fathom the boredom of living in West Texas and this is coming from a guy who grew up in Ohio.