Craigslist Files #58: Gum Stabbing

if I superimposed a ninja star on top of the Nike swoosh, does that make it different enough to not get me sued?

I just got back from a visit with a medieval-style sadist who calls himself a medical professional, which means two things. First, I got a new toothbrush. Second, my life is currently a combination of primal pain and blood loss fatigue. As unpleasant as that experience can be, I keep myself from assaulting my dentist with his own diabolical tools because I understand that the pain is for my own good. Hell, I even pay the guy to torture me and I'm not usually into those kinds of extracurriculars. This is why it baffles me when people pay others to do awful things to them for no actual benefit. As illogical as this is, there's a big enough market for pay-for-pain that even the entrepreneurs on craigslist make a play for their slice.

Anyone need a friend??

$50 to meet up. We'll chill for an hour at a public place, you'll have to pick up the tab though..
Each additional hour is $20
We can talk about, you, literature, film, music, video games and comic books, with an emphasis on video games and music. I've lived abroad so I can talk about Africa and South America, hablo espanol.
I can't promise you more exposure with ladies but I'll put in a good word for you before myself. If we develop an inside joke every time we refer back to it will be an additional $10
Anyway this is about you.. I'll sit there and listen to you about whatever.. I'm not trained to chill but its what I do best..

As with so many craigslist ads, my first reaction to this epic asshole is that he can't be for real. I could believe it in the first paragraph because people have attempted to charge for a lot more ridiculous stuff on this site. I could even stick with him when he starts talking about video games. But then comes the additional charge for an inside joke. That's where this one really starts to look like a prank. Still, this is craigslist and whenever I think I've heard something that couldn't possibly appeal to a real person, I remember that things like the next ad have existed long before even the Internet came into being.

GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE?

If you are currently or have gone through a divorce or break-up then you should call us. We are a non-profit group and we offer classes, counseling, and seminars for people to overcome break-ups, betrayals, and emotional traumas. We care. We do not believe in using mind-altering drugs or medications, so if you don't believe in taking pills for stress you'll love us. We will help you with the problems by listening and by giving you the tools to recover strength in yourself and discovering happiness again.

To the untrained eye, this post looks like just another awful self-help organization that takes people's money to pretend they're being therapeutic and empowering. But then that telling line about medication pops up and the informed among us know we're looking at an ad for Scientology. If there's any doubt, just a couple clicks away from the above you'll find this:

Do You Find Yourself Wanting More Answers from Life?

If you are open-minded about learning about life and you are searching for more answers, you'll love us:
1. We believe we have infinite potentials; we feel we just need to tap into these potentials to achieve more and make our lives better.
2. We believe in ourselves already, but we feel there is so much more to improve about ourselves, too.
3. We are busy, but we feel gaining truth and happiness are something worth making time for.

If you are interested in what we do, what we have learned, or if you want to attend a free life improvement lecture given by us, call (number)

"You'll love us". Attached to this particular ad was a picture of a bunch of rather frumpy individuals clutching a copy of Dianetics, the excremental book scribed by worthless sci-fi writer and would-be prophet L. Ron Hubbard. The Scientology folks have been hitting the List hard in the past week, but I can't imagine their PR people have any idea what they're doing. All of these ads have looked horrible. Most of them have an all-caps title and they're all adorned with bad grammar and fuzzy pictures.

Of course these Scientology posts are aimed at stupid people with severe confidence deficiencies. Who else would jump on that particular bandwagon these days? What I don't quite understand yet is why anyone would respond positively to the Hubbard sales pitch. Just like the dentist, the Scientologists put people into deeply uncomfortable situations, except the dentist is doing such terrible things to people to make them healthier, with verifiable results. So, enjoy your psychological and financial gum-stabbing, new Scientologists!