Craigslist Files #55: First Impressions

A common bit of advice for using the craigslist Personals to find real dates, other than to click your heels together and think happy thoughts in a bid to evoke some kind of arcane magic, is to always include a picture. Of course, only a fraction of all the Personals ads actually have an image attached, and even just a small portion of those are pictures of people. It'd be a smidgen too easy to simply go into one of the LTR sections and grab posts that reel people in with pictures of sunsets or whatever. Everybody knows that those pics are just shorthand for "By the way, I'm also really insecure about my appearance and I'm willing to insult your intelligence as a result". No, I'm more interested in those poor fools who actually follow the above advice and post real pictures of themselves on what is possibly the worst place to find a date on the Internet, which is a lot like the worst part of the landfill to find your dinner. So, this week I won't even be looking at the text of the selected posts. In all of the following selections, I only ever saw the picture. Here's how people are presenting themselves in pictorial.

Good Times- 37

"Hi. As you might have noticed, these are breasts. Are they nice breasts? Not particularly, but they are nonetheless secondary sexual characteristics that most men find appealing. As such, I thought one of you gentlemen might be inspired to contact me based solely on your interest in breasts, hopefully my own. Granted, I could have chosen a more flattering top or maybe I should have applied some makeup to my chest so any potential suitors wouldn't also associate me with red, splotchy skin, but I'm willing to take that chance. Also, to hell with a century of progress for women's rights. I'm nearly 40 and looking for companionship on the Internet. Gloria Steinem can go suck my modest mammaries."

You should probably click here because I am quite the gem

"I know what you're thinking: 'Which one is she?' But you should know that it doesn't really matter. If you've dated one obnoxious theater chick who wears too much makeup and actually thinks it's a good idea to go outside wearing anything, anything with feathers on it, you've dated them all. You might have noticed my gay friend because he's in every picture I ever take. I bring him with me wherever I go, kinda like a living purse who compliments me and doesn't care about my body at all. Maybe you and I can get together some time and sing the entire freaking soundtrack to Rent over a plate of jalapeno poppers."

Wanting sumthin serious

"BLURRY PHOTO OF RIDICULOUS TIGHTS. BLURRY PHOTO OF RIDICULOUS TIGHTS. You can't help but associate me and everything I say with a BLURRY PHOTO OF RIDICULOUS TIGHTS. If you didn't instantly click away from my ad, maybe you'll be so mesmerized by this BLURRY PHOTO OF RIDICULOUS TIGHTS that you'll linger long enough to notice my down-blouse angle or the tattoo above my right breast. Or, for that matter, the uncomfortable position I had to get into so you could enjoy this BLURRY PHOTO OF RIDICULOUS TIGHTS."