Craigslist Files #45: Citizen's Arrest

Andy Ward posts to Casual Encounters... for art.

Well, folks, I asked and you delivered. The following three submissions are craigslist posts discovered by your fellow Net Insanity readers. Thanks to everybody who sent me posts and offered descriptions. Um, except for those of you who weren't particularly funny. Those emails were a complete waste of my time, so I hope you talentless hacks take the lack of your submissions today as a sign that you should stick to whatever menial labor occupies your puny minds and leave the comedy writing to us geniuses. Let's get right into it.

One of our friends is moving.. Holding auditions to fill her space
Submitted by Ellie from Seattle, Washington.

 
Our friend Melissa is moving to New York and will be sorely missed. Missed so much in fact that our group of friends has decided that we must hold auditions to fill her place.
You Must be:
- Sexy
- Fun
- Able to drink
- Able to laugh
- Have no problem with late night drunk food
- Love going to Seahawks games (or at least drinking at them)
- Be able to make lots of Jamie Foxx related comments
- Must be A+ partner in crime for Las Vegas trips
All those interested please send pictures and why we should consider you by email.

Ellie Writes: "Seriously, how pathetic is this? I mean, I know it wouldn't be that hard to find another stupid 20-something ditz to ditz around with, but the body's not even cold yet. It's like 'Yo, Melissa. You're so special to us... oh wait, we already replaced you.' Great friends, really."

You're very right, Ellie. This post has about as much class as a plate of pizza rolls sitting on top of a box of wine. And speaking of wine, it looks like the above ditzes are also functional alcoholics. "Able to drink" followed by "drunk food" followed by "drinking at Seahawks games". And what's the deal with the Jamie Foxx stuff? Are they talking about his awful, failed TV show or just the guy in general? Real winners you found. Thanks, Ellie.

WEB GENIUS ENTREP. TURN TO SMART MILLIONAIRES FOR ASSISTANCE?

Submitted by Dan from New York, New York

INVEST IN OR ADVISE OUR REVOLUTIONARY INTERNET CHANGING SOCIAL NETWORKING PROJECT

THIS IS NO GET RICH SCHEME OR MULTILEVEL MARKETING, MAILING OR BUYING PROGRAM.
THESE ARE MY IDEAS. SOLID, LOGICAL, DETAILED.

IDEAS FROM THE MIND OF AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATED GENIUS.

IF YOU ARE READY, OR READY TO HELP, LET ME KNOW.

\THANK YOU.

ANDREW
(phone number)

Dan Writes: "ALL CAPS MARKETING SCAM THIS IS THE WAY EVERYBODY WRITES EVERYTHING AT HARVARD THESE DAYS."

Absolutely, Dan. Small letters are for small minds. I especially like how he talks about having really good ideas, then fails to elaborate on any of them. Of course, he doesn't have to explain his GENIUS to us small-minded potential investors. Extra points if you called Mr. ANDREW and messed with him for a bit.

"I really need some help - m4w - 38" (strictly platonic)
Submitted by George from Denver, Colorado

 
I'm looking for something.. What, I'm not sure. Dose this happen to all men? Dose this happen to women at all? I'm married and I think happily, but I'm missing something, and I don't know here to look for it... I'm really thinking about my sexuality and trying to run scenarios in my head about polamory. On the surface it seems like the answer, but if it is the answer then why is it so taboo.. My wife would die if I brought it up to her. Is thinking about this going to kill my relationship? Why are you looking? What are you looking for? Maybe we could talk and discuss together..

George Writes: "Yeah, 'strictly platonic' all the way. I love these guys who go on the page that means 'just friends. No, really' and proceed to look for sex anyway. It's pretty pathetic. Five bucks says this guy is some grotty SOB who thinks he's really gonna pull one over on some woman.

Hey, now, George. You shouldn't be so hard on a guy who's just curious about polamory. His use of an extra period at the ends of some of his sentences indicate that he's already nervous. Just because he's interested in maybe talking and discussing polamory with a random woman on the Internet dose not mean he's a pervert. Hell, I'm curious about polamory, in that I'd love to know what this guy thinks it is. Since he doesn't even know how to use a google search that would correct his spelling, he probably has an elaborate and hilarious misconception of all human sexuality.

Thanks again to everyone who submitted and congratulations to Ellie, Dan and George for winning our first ever Citizen's Arrest Contest.