Scanning the manifold wonders of any given craigslist site I am treated to a wide variety of awful pictures. What I find most unfathomable about these images is why anyone would want to represent themselves with what are undoubtedly the worst shots possible. Craigslist people all have some sort of blind spot when it comes to these things. Some seem numb to creepiness, others aren't self-aware enough to realize they are projecting pure dissatisfaction or desperation. I generally don't include the images attached to the posts I feature in this column, when pictures are actually attached, but today I'm going to do something different. I'm going to forgo the text in the posts and go straight to the images, but I'm also giving myself some restrictions. I won't be using anything from the personals pages because that just wouldn't be sporting, but everything else is fair game.

MR. RIGHT NOW!!!!

This deeply disturbed gentleman falls into one of my favorite categories of craigslist poster: the guy who thinks he's being clever by posting a personals ad in a non-personals section of the site. This is a natural evolution from the clueless clods who think they'll be somehow more successful making a sex-only post in the long-term relationship sections. This level of delusion is astounding, akin to trying to sneak meat into a vegetarian's diet by setting up a burger stand in his or her living room. MR. RIGHT NOW!!!! made this post in the Activities section, so maybe it wasn't a mis-post. Maybe the activity in question is the slow strangling murder of that poor cat, which may be a promise or a threat depending on what kind of girl he wants to meet. Regardless, the more I stare at this image the bigger the goosebumps flaring up on my body get.

Speed Dating

Without irony, I can say that this is one of my favorite pictures of all time. The levels of ill-conception in this image are freaking epic. Also found in the Activities page, this is one of several images attached to an ad for a speed dating event. Admittedly, most of the images from this ad aren't all that awful. Most of them are generic "young people pretending to have more fun than is humanly possible" pictures, i.e. the bar couch full of interchangeable girls who look like their neon-colored drinks just cured their cancer. Don't get me wrong, I like a good cocktail, but I've never worn a 1000-watt smile after taking that first sip. After scanning the unimpressive promo pics in this ad, Mr. Whitey White de Blanche over here pops up like the anthropomorphization of cocaine that he is. That somebody thought this was an appealing picture absolutely floors me... and it gives me an inexplicable craving for milk.

Burn Fat, Get Sexy

This is the second image I grabbed from the "Burn Fat, Get Sexy" post in General Community, the first of which is at the top of this article. I'm always a fan of Before and After pictures, the more nonsensical the better. I love this image for so, so many reasons. It may be the most malignantly unappealing B&A set ever produced. What exactly is this picture promising prospective customers? From what I can tell, this weightloss system is guaranteed to transform you from your frumpy, overweight self into a significantly older, not much thinner version of you.

As for the eye-searing burst of yellow at the top of the page, I can safely say that I have never seen a better depiction of pure self-loathing in all my life. It's just so damn yellow and the woman looks like she regrets even getting out of bed every morning.

And hey, you lazy schmucks! We're half way through the month, which means you only have two more weeks to submit your entries for the Craigslist Files: Citizen's Arrest contest. Get off your duffs and find those awful craigslist posts, then send them our nifty electronic mail address!