Craigslist Files #40: A Spy in the House of Craig

they don't need craigslist

Anyone who has ever spent more than five minutes on craigslist knows that the Men Seeking Women page is full of both ridiculous permanent adolescents and depressingly misguided nice guys who couldn't get a clue if they were in an orgy with Sherlock Holmes, Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown (that isn't a pedo joke. The youngest of those books was published some 40 years ago). But I'm not here to poke fun at the M4W again. Why? Because this is the 21st century and I believe in equality, readers. The Women Seeking Men page is just as ridiculous and for not entirely dissimilar reasons.

Libertarian and Capitalist Pig Seeks Same

It's a lonely place for a Libertarian in (city). Do Libertarian capitalist women turn you on? Do you enjoy conversation with intelligent, independent, self-respecting women? Do you see capitalist views as independent and empowering instead of selfish and greedy? Are you between ages 24 and 33? Are you an American-born US citizen? Are you seeking something real and meaningful instead of a one-night stand or casual sex? If so, email me.
I'm tired of meeting these feminine liberal men in (city) who believe in a nanny-state. Looking for a real man who doesn't need a nanny-state to take care of him.
Trolling/fake/enflaming/name-calling/stalking emails will be deleted. Serious inquiries only.

Speaking of misguided, let's talk about my personal favorite kind of failed W4M post. For some reason, a portion of the female population believes it can attract quality men by being somehow bitchier and more confrontational in print than most women can muster in real life. Disregarding that the above poster is a selfish racist who parrots conservative pundits like some kind of living parody, the tone is still bitter and accusatory, which is a huge turn-on, am I right guys?

mad men situation

Looking to be your secretary, ideally like something in the tv show Mad Men. Maybe we'd have a drink after work and ravish eachother then say goodnight and see one another the next day like nothing happened. Serious inquiries only please. I'm hwp and sexy.

There's a different but equally ridiculous posting tactic in W4M that basically boils down to long-term prostitution. Some posters, usually under the age of 25, just come out and say they want a sugar daddy, which is still offensive but at least it's honest. This poster here is certainly trying to whore herself, but apparently she's also trying to win some kind of feminist Razzie. Also, has she ever actually watched Mad Men? It's my understanding that all of those swingin' 60's professionals are actually pretty miserable.

"A really Nice young man"

My sisterinlaw is 24 years old and beatutifull , she is a nurse in the phillipines and is 100% awssssome. she prefers phillipinoes but mostly is looking for a soul mate.if you are A genuine and God loving, not in Debt Good looking man, then, shoot me an email and i will forward more info. this is my sister inlaw and she only deserves someone who has it together. I am Steve . thankx.

This one is cheating a bit because it wasn't posted by a woman, but I just couldn't ignore it. It's a combination of some of the best, most awful elements of craigslist. Bad spelling and grammar with bonus nonsensical capitalization, a patently absurd but somehow plausible premise and the promise of utter disaster should it actually pan out (which it won't).

Black Happiness

Hello intelligent, respectful, singles males of Craigslist...

This is just the first line of a lengthy ad. The poster goes on to write rather articulately about her pride for her ethnicity, her comfort with her body type and the importance of faith in her life. It's honest and confident, which means it has no place on craigslist to begin with. But none of that matters. She reveals her hopelessness with that very first line. There are no intelligent, respectful, single males on craigslist for the same reason there are no pretty, slender, interesting women on craigslist. People like that don't need to make anonymous posts on the Internet to get a date.

So, I've been exploring craigslist for several months now and I know just how much stuff there is to mock. The problem is that posts expire, so I miss a lot of what's out there. That's why Net Insanity will be hosting the monthly Craigslist Files: Citizen's Arrest contest. Reader-discovered craigslist posts will be featured at the end of every month, starting in October. Here's how to enter:

Send up to 3 craigslist posts copy and pasted into the body of an email to our fetid inbox. Special consideration will be given to those submissions with their own mocking analysis included. Winners will see their posts and reactions on our front page, and will also receive some sort of prize. So, get cracking, readers.