Craigslist Files #38: Pet Insanity

he's sad because he's inbred

I've made it know several times before that I think pet people are actively out of their minds. I don't just mean people who happen to have pets, either. The difference between people who have pets and "pet people" is the difference between people who happen to be out at night and those who can be called "night people". There's a certain degree of devotion that goes into the latter, an identity that starts to consume other parts of one's personality the moment it's identified. By this standard, pet people are Grade-A whackjobs who have rearranged their priorities to focus on the perceived needs of an inbred animal. And yes, that's exactly what all domesticated creatures are: A naturally occurring species that has been so perverted by genetic manipulation that it is no longer suitable for survival in the wild. So, here's what craigslist has to say about your sick obsession with cousin-humping quadrupeds.

Poopless in Seattle

Are you not looking forward to scooping the dogs poop in the rain and cold. Let Poopless in Seattle do the dirty job for you. For as little as $45 per month we will scoop the poop for you.

I usually leave out the city names of where I find the posts featured in this column, but the pun is part of the awful in this case. As much as I can't stand dealing with the dumb beasts people call their friends, I imagine the sorry sods who work for the above company hate pet people more than I will ever understand. Having to handle animal filth for eight hours a day while simultaneously dealing with the kinds of people who purchase luxuries for their pets has got to be a recipe for some kind of violent rampage.

My name is Sarah

My name is Sarah. Am I not pretty? They think I am a jack russel/ chihuahua mix. I might convince you too with my urge to play. I love other dogs and I LOVE kids and attention. AND I am the perfect compact size for both! I am sweet and fun AND young (about a year old) who could ask for anything more? My adoption fee is $200 and I am almost ready to go. But you can fill out an application for me today! You can fill out an application here

My name is Miranda. I'm an insufferable imbecile who pretends to speak in the voice of an animal who only has a language center in its brain because people forced its evolution in that direction for their own pleasure and facility. Sometimes I make other things around the house talk, like my oven mitt and my toilet. My loneliness is so crippling that sometimes I forget to breathe.

Ducks

I have 4 Ducks for sale 25.00 , 1 male and 3 female. the white and black one is a male, the rest are females.

That's an incredible deal, actually. Hell, at the Chinese restaurant I have to pay over $30 just for one duck.

Person who adopted "Solo" my Boxer 2 yrs ago

I went through a divorce and was living off of $466 a month with 5 kids and had to rehome our Brindle Boxer, Solo. He went to a couple who had an older male Boxer. They later told me it didn't work out and he went to live somewhere else. I would really, really like to know where he is and how he is doing. He is brindle with a fawn background and a black mask. Please let me know if you know anything about him. My kids and I miss him terribly. Attached is a picture of him

This is the other reason I can't stand pet people. Insanity is often both ridiculous and depressing. Seriously, this story is just intensely sad. Sometimes pets are road signs that indicate deep wells of tragedy. The only consolation I can take from this is that I doubt the dog himself really gives a damn where he lives just as long as he's being fed and not used a punching bag.

*Update: Starting in October, Net Insanity will host the Craigslist Files: Citizen's Arrest contest. Submit your own found ridiculous craigslist posts, or better yet your own craigslist pranks, to an email address that will be provided later. Winners will have their selections featured and will receive an electronic prize care of your's truly.