Craigslist Files #37: El Scotto, FTW

I'm torn, readers. On the one hand (a twisted, broken, filthy hand at that), I am overjoyed that some of you have joined me in my weekly dumpster-diving expeditions into craigslist. On the other hand (an appendage so burdened with decency that it no longer associates with the likes of me), I wonder whether or not it's even ethical to encourage you to subject yourselves to the emptiness and stupidity of which so much of craigslist is comprised. Maybe I just crave some companionship in my dirty deeds or maybe I subconsciously desire the pain of my fellow man. In any case, this Craigslist Files goes out to all of you who scour the List to find nuggets of awful for the amusement of yourselves and others.

I Need a car Free . im falling doun

Help me Im falling and I need help , I will do anything for exchange for a good running Suv, van or med sise car I can sleep in , I survived 2 heart atacks, broken back this past year , my engin just went on my Nissan pathfinder, I stayed at a park the last 3 nights and that was not a good thing, I was atacked by 2 r-coons , I will re-pay and pay it forward , " PLEASE " HELP , Im an exp, Handy-man, I can fix anything. call today (number) , HELP!!!

When I find a post like this, I feel like I've won some kind of comedy lottery. Sure, I'm probably just being a jaded bastard, but I have a hard time believing that a real homeless man would come up with something silly like this post. It's the modern CL equivalent of the old-timey London beggar regaling passers-by with tales of how his mother branded him with irons, his baby brother was born without legs and the Queen herself was out to get him. Seriously? Two heart attacks and a broken back in one year? Attacked by freaking raccoons? I'm sorry, r-coons? He's a handyman who can fix anything, except apparently the engine on a Nissan Pathfinder. Really, people. How could we not give this guy a free car?

hunter gatherers wanted

I'm a bit of a hunter gatherer wannabe. Unfortunately, I'm severely lacking in knowledge of primitive living skills. I have been foraging for berries a lot, attempted fire by friction, and recently skinned and ate my first wild animal, fresh chipmunk roadkill. I'm looking for people who want to go out into the woods together and practice primitive/survival skills. If you're experienced, that's awesome, if you're not, that's awesome too and we can read books and learn together. I'm really just looking to meet others who are passionate about really experienceing nature and living more sustainably.

I'm not gonna make fun of this guy. Sure, I think his particular set of hobbies is disgusting and unnecessary, but he's obviously not an idiot or a crazy person. Honestly, I think this is what craigslist is really for. It's easy enough to find people who like traditional sports or mainstream movies, but it's probably pretty challenging to find aspiring primitives in the modern world. So, good luck, you roadkill-eating woodsman, you!

This one comes from Net Insanity reader El Scotto. The text is probably too small to read, but I had to include the pictures. The post says the following:

Set of 100 paintings of dragons having sex with cars- $550 (Jacksonville)

I have a set of 100 paintings depicting dragons having sex with cars. They range in size from 8x6" to 40x15". Most of them are acrylic, but a few are watercolor.

Bravo, El Scotto. Bravo. If ever there was a single post that captured the essence of the worst of craigslist, nay, the Internet, this is it. It's shameless, confounding, stupid, disgusting and it asks for money. Too bad the spelling and grammar are both correct. This is so awesome, it's inspired me to embrace the junk-finding talents of my readers more often. Next week, I'll have more details about Net Insanity's upcoming monthly contest, Craigslist Files: Citizen's Arrest. Until then, everyone make sure to give El Scotto a big, sloppy e-kiss in our comments section while I rustle up some kind of prize for his contribution.