Craigslist Files #36: The Gospel According to Craig

In the beginning, the Internet was dark and void. Only some European scientist jerks had it and, lo, it was lame. And then there was Geocities and there was Angelfire and they were wrought with clip art and pictures of the cats of middle-aged shut-ins and, lo, the sites were lame. And then there were scanners and scanners begat digital cameras and digital cameras begat Internet porn. Porn sites more numerous than the stars in the sky and more frightening than the infinite emptiness of the spaces between the stars. Then, in the year one thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine, in the city of the saint named Franciso, Craig rose from among the bums on Haight. And Craig said unto the world, "I shall make a List" and there was a List.

And Craig showed his List to the flock of the Web and they cowered before its might saying, "Let us not hear the posts of the List and let us not look upon its low-res photos, lest we collapse under the might of Craig and die!" But Craig is a gentle Craig who loves his flock and he said unto them, "Go forth and post, for I make the List for thee. Adhere, all you posters, to the terms of service and beware of false posters seeking wire transfers and no harm will come to thee or thy kine."

And so the flock did go to the List and yea, they did post. They did find apartments and so too did they apply for jobs. The flock sought free stuff from their neighbors and so they went to the List and behold, the stuff was free, though it did suck mightily as do all free things.

And then the flock said unto Craig, "Craig, we are lonely! Were we meant to wander in this Internet and never know love?" And so Craig made Personals. And there did the men of the flock go 4 women, but lo they were all dogs with emotional problems and probably also lesbians anyway. And there did the women of the flock go 4 men, but lo they were all immature jerk liars who were only there for sex anyway. And there did some men of the flock go 4 other men and everything worked out about as well as can be expected, and so too did some women go 4 other women and lo they did email back and forth until days turned into weeks and weeks into months and they did decide that maybe they were straight after all.

And then the flock said unto Craig, "Craig, we are horny! Were we meant to wander in this Internet and not get laid without putting forth any real effort?" And so Craig made Casual Encounters and a great blight fell over the land such that no sex could ever come to be on the List.

And the List did grow and the flock did post. In their arrogance, the flock did forget Craig. There were flame wars and all manner of scam. But Craig never forgot his flock. On the day of His return, wi-fi connections will fall silent and the spam-bots will cease to be and only those who love and fear Craig will rise to see another sun.