Craigslist Files #30: Wet, Sticky, Awkward Passion

You're lucky I cut off the picture where I did.

If SPAM email was the new junk mail ten years ago, then crap-posts on craigslist are the new junk mail of today. Some sections of the site are so full of scams, dodgy business offers and questionably legal services that they've permanently transformed into something very different than their title suggests. Take the General page in the Community section. By its name, one might think this is a page for, say, festival listings and ads for farmer's markets. Nope. General Community has mutated into a hodgepodge of meaninglessness and sub-M4W desperation. Take this post, for example:

Need 600.00 willing to do whatever it takes

I need 600.00 in the next 3 days for an unexpected expense that came up
I am willing to do whatever it takes to get the money
I am a cute 20 year old female with references for cleaning babysitting and house sitting
Not looking for handouts...
Just temp. employment
Thanks:)

Maybe I'm just jaded beyond comprehension, but this looks to me like a CL prostitute who doesn't want to pay the Adult Services fee. At best it's just a scammer or an idiot who literally couldn't think of a better way to make money.

Then there are the advice-seekers. These posters are pretty equally distributed between General Community and Strictly Platonic. Most of them are completely vague, others ask specific questions, a scant few are just plain creepy (RE: middle-aged guy trying to find friends for his school-age son), and the remainder just don't make any sense. Observe:

Mentor

Hi! So what kind of mentoring can you give women? What could you possibly know about life...how old are you and what makes you think you can give any such advice?

I scoured the boards looking for an original post to which this one might be a response, but no dice. It's exactly what it looks like- somebody asking a series of non-rhetorical questions in a format that doesn't guarantee any sort of response. On top of all that, it has a certain level of hostility in it. I feel like it should have a few more lines like, "Just who do you think you are? What gives you the right to come into MY INTERNET and just... just... ya know what? To hell with you. I'm done. I've reached the end of my rope. I thought you might have matured over the years, but you haven't. I'm sorry, but we just can't be together anymore."

And then there are the dubious businesses. Some of them are obvious scams, others sound like shaky career models given life on the Internet. For example:

Call the girls! Ladies Night! Passion Party! SUMMER SPECIALS!!

Hello Passion Diva's!

My name is Kristina and I am a Passion Party Consultant! Have you heard of us? We specialize in private in-home parties for women offering sensual products…Something like Tupperware only with a BUZZ! Definately not the Tupperware parties your mom dragged you to when you were a kid! Our parties are tasteful and informative with tons of fun. I would love to have you as one of my hostesses! Passion Parties are the Ultimate Girls Night In!

Not the Tupperware parties your mom dragged you to when you were a kid? Well I sure as hell hope not. See, I'm conflicted about this. The awkward teenager in me desperately wants this sort of thing to be real, but then my rational adult side knows that the kind of women who would make a night of passing around dildos and tingle-inducing lube probably don't want anything to do with men. Even if these so-called Passion Parties happened to be anything other than a lesbian orgy with a cover charge, I'm pretty sure these women would be some of the most wretched creatures to ever crawl from a human womb.

Then again, maybe I should forward this info to the Sex in the City Club from last week...