Craigslist Files: UK Edition
Since I started maintaining the Craigslist Files I've remained firmly chained to the crumbling foundation of American society. Sure, I've pooled posts from cities all across this great, bumbling nation of ours and I've found a certain sense of community in our uniform ugliness and stupidity. Yet, every week I visit the site I see a long list of exotic locales begging me in their incomprehensible languages to come view their awful, awful wares. That's why I decided to dedicate today's Craigslist Files to ads from jolly old London, England. I thought it would be a good idea to start out with the easiest fodder, so I jumped right over to MSW. Believe it or not, I was shocked at what I found.
SHOPPING FASHION PRINCESS - apply now - SUCCESSFUL GUY - 48
YOU must be SEXY SPONTANEOUS and love to be SPOILED and PAMPERED .
YOU must have a current passport and love EXOTIC HOLIDAYS and CHAMPAGNE.
Please send me your pics and contact details.
w
Hold the phone, there, guvna! Do my eyes deceive me? Sure, there's plenty of unnecessary capitalization, but this isn't overtly stupid. How can this be? I mean, this is still obviously some idiot who thinks he can trick women into having sex with him by making offers on the Internet he can't possibly fulfill, but it doesn't look like it was written by a hung-over preschooler. How novel. There aren't even any misspellings. Though it's probably just my isolated Americanness acting up, there's something inherently creepy about the phrase "YOU must have a current passport..."
Seeking An Ugly Woman To F*** - 20 (Dulwich)
Must be clean and able to accomodate, any age is acceptable. A picture is required.
So, let me get this straight. Even the perverts in England are more polite? Folks, I present to you the most honest, successful craigslist poster to ever live. This kid is the very opposite of picky and I guarantee you he got laid from this post. He made an ad looking for desperate, ugly, old women on craigslist in a place called freaking Dulwich. My favorite part is the last sentence. I can just imagine some discerning Brit clicking through his emails and scoffing at every picture of a hot chick, "Can't you read?"
Paid girlfriend? - 31 (Euston)
Are you a pretty and attractive girl looking for a few hours of NSA fun in London.
Will HANDSOMELY reward the right girl.
Please provide a detailed description of yourself and a pic.
In full confidence.
I promise you readers, I did not cherry-pick these posts to make jokes about how British people are more proper than us brutish Americans. Every single freaking post reads like this. It doesn't matter what they're asking for. The only mistake this guy made was he forgot to use a question mark at the end of the first sentence. That's it. Oh, and the last sentence is a fragment. Woopty-frickin'-doo! So, thanks, London. You've officially made Americans look like the dangerously stupid, inbred scum the rest of world imagines we are. And you did it with craigslist. That's like strangling a cow to death with ass-less leather chaps. If the rest of the world can make a thinly-veiled request for a prostitute using better diction and more subtlety than us, maybe it's time that we Americans just let various foreign entities officially conquer our nation.
