From the Idiots Who Brought You Creationism in Schools...

Ah. Another day, another incomprehensible and terminally ugly website promoting a senseless theory and/or fringe Christianity. Seriously, why can't you readers send me more websites that entertain obscure sexual fetishes or some kind of neo-nazi extravaganza? I long for some other variety of ridiculous. But since my approach to this job has consisted of being a choosy beggar, I guess I'll just have to go ahead and mock Frank Hatch until my fingers go numb.

Now, I know what you're thinking- Why make fun of that kinda hot, kinda scary chick from Battlestar Galactica? But you are mistaken. You see, I'm making fun of Frank Hatch, a quack physicist/the worst proselytizing Christian in the world, not Richard Hatch, the guy who played Starbuck on the original Battlestar Galactica television series from the late 1970's, which was then rebooted by the Sci-Fi Channel a few years ago, casting Katie Sackhoff as a re-imagined female version of Starbuck, and she was also sort of an angel. I dunno. Ask Ron D. Moore about that last one.

Now that we've cleared up that little bit of confusion, get ready for a whole new submersion in the "What The Hell Is Going On?" baptismal pool. See, I may have stopped paying attention to math by age 15 in favor of typing out dirty limericks on my graphing calculator, but I'm pretty sure that none of the equations on Frank Hatch's website work out. I don't need to be any good at actual math to know this because Frank Hatch doesn't use actual math. Like so many pseudo-scientists dedicated to proving a belief instead of logically pursuing hypotheses, Frank here has built his own math to suit his purposes.

Hatch-math involves assuming the existence of unique "spaces" such as "First Space" and "Null Space", then applying utterly arbitrary concepts of interaction between these spaces to his understanding of how masses interact with each other. He then assigns a confounding series of numbers and equations to the planets in our solar system and somehow concludes through this process that Earth is going to end up destroyed or maybe sent to Hell (which for those of you keeping track at home has an Initial Mass of 2). Studying one of Frank-O's charts reveals that this modern genius deems it proper to combine Neptune and Pluto into one mass assignment, despite the fact that they have practically nothing in common and don't even share a similar orbital pathway.

As is the usual mode for roundabout Christian conversion pitches, Hatch informs everyone that the most likely way to save themselves from falling into Null Space is to become a Christian. Apparently, Jesus is going to guide all of his followers into The Narrow Gate where they will have a fabulous Galactic Adventure. Hatch says that the only way to pass through The Narrow Gate without Jesus is to understand the math on his website, which is almost a clever gambit considering that it's actually not possible to comprehend that which has no real meaning.

See, I've been getting pitches like this my whole life and they're all pretty much the same. Kooky Christian puts together a metaphor that would make Salvador Dali giggle like a puppy was licking his toes, promises doom, then says Jesus is the only way to avoid that doom. If it's not Frank Hatch promising you that your soul will fall into Null Space, it's some other nut telling you that your soul is a hamburger and there are four other Dimensions of Soul represented by the Universal Binaries of Lettuce/Tomato, Pickle/Onion, Ketchup/Mustard and the two parts of the bun. Of course, the only way to avoid being eaten by The Great Toothy Abyss is to put your faith in Jesus Christ.

Really, I feel sorry for the sane portion of the Christian population because their most vocal representatives are people like Hatch. Then again, it really should be the responsibility of Christians everywhere to corral the most idiotic among them. Religion is already a tough sell, its proponents don't need any more weird stuff to explain.

Amount of Time Likely to be Wasted: I cruised around the site for about ten minutes, but then again I have an innate sense of curiosity that makes me want to understand how pretending to calculate the approximate mass of the universe proves that boys shouldn't have sex with other boys and that Sunday is reserved for sitting on an uncomfortable bench while singing.

Likelihood to Result in Arrest in Real Life: Only a little. Frank puts the address of his P.O. box in Eugene, Oregon on every page for some reason. Because plastering one's real name and some kind of address all over the Internet usually doesn't end well, I'm sure some nastiness will arise from that.

MCDR: Watch one of those all-flash, no-substance space documentaries on The Discovery Channel and tell yourself, "None of this stuff is true, either, but it's at least the product of a partially rational thought process."

Internet Depth by Preposition: In. There are wild missionaries all over the world, but most of them are maintaining the status quo by trying to convince AIDS-riddled third world countries to stop using condoms. Believing in a magical sky man who is deeply concerned about your porn collection makes you an idiot, just no a big enough idiot to let a guy like Frank Hatch represent you in the real world.