Craigslist Files #17: Entering Rants and Raves

How is it that I've been doing this feature for four and a half months and yet I've never set even one click into Rants and Raves? If mining for content over at M4W is like shooting fish in a barrel, then R&R is like a barrel full of fish who commit suicide whenever someone pops the top. Honestly, Rants and Raves is the 21st century equivalent of the wall outside a brothel in ancient Rome. It's full of the most idiotic garbage the barely-literate dreck of the post-industrial world can manage to scrawl in their fits of anger and aneurysm-inducing stupidity. And I don't mean inducing an aneurysm in any intelligent reader. No, I mean stupidity that is so intense that the very weight of it presses upon its owner's brain and threatens to rupture a blood vessel. Once again our society via the Internet has outdone The City of Seven Hills even at its most decadent and depraved. I shoved the ham sandwich down Mama Cass's Gullet somewheres around the block of 12 Curzon Street in Mayfield. Shoved that thing right down her fat throat, old bitch choked and then croaked. Congratulations, poster. You managed to take a cultural reference that 99.9% of your audience (in this case, the types of people who read CL Rants and Raves) won't get and you turned it into a really horrible rap couplet. And posted it on the Internet. Now, I know it doesn't take much effort to put something up on craigslist, but it's still too much work to justify this post. Hell, clicking the "publish" button is too much work for this post. "PLEASE If you are posting a f****** pic of t*** or d*** or p****... (WARN ME!) Im at mutha f***** work Yo!... While Im entirely within boundaries of my work rules to surf and play on the net.. PORNOGRAPHY.. or other nudity.. regardless of the tastefulness (I really like those hanging boobies that moron is posting).. IS NOT APPROPRIATE.. Id prefer to have a warning so IF MY MUTHA F****** BOSS is standing behind me... I dont open it up! It wouldnt surprise me if this same lack of discretion is why you are unemployed and living in moms basement. I wish all legal documents were written in this fashion. "YO! If the MUTHA F***** first party delegates responsibilities from the list denoted in Section 3, Subsection A to the second party and A BRO KAYNT GET NO WORK DONE the second party is obligated to GIT HIS B-HIND TO the first party and REPORT DAT S***." This is messed up! Do you know what's messed up? (city)is, that's what. My 10 year old locked me out of the house. It's like breaking into fort knox around here. I had to kick in my front door, it split. It took me like 10 kicks and BAM! I was inside. The messed up part I thought for sure one of my neighbors would call the police for a breaking and entering, ROFLMAO. Hell no, no one called and no police showed up. I don't know about you but kicking in a door with brut force is very loud. Not bad for a GIRL. All those karate lessons paid off, ROFLMAO. But again................................................. (city) is one messed up place I can't wait to move out of this screwed up city.. The best part of this rant is getting to the end and discovering that this poster typed and published this whole thing without realizing that she just told the world she got tricked by a ten-year-old. While I'm glad that I live in the type of poverty where my walls are thin and my hallway always smells like pot instead of a chicken wire depository of white trash, I wish I could have been there to see the event described in this post in action. A (maybe) middle-aged woman trying to bust down her own door while screaming at her ingrate kid, the neighbors laughing their asses off even though they've been in similar or worse situations. To the poster's credit, I've been to the town she's describing and it does suck pretty bad. For one thing, the kids can be real pricks when they want to be.