Craigslist Files #16: Fake Post Heaven

Anyone who follows this blog (and thank you x1,000,000 for that) knows that I am no stranger to making craigslist posts of dubious content. It's all too easy to succumb to the siren's song of prankdom when faced with a completely anonymous system that draws in gullible people like a giant Internet bug zapper. In moments of sheer vanity and hubris I believe myself to be the only prankster on the site, but my better judgment forces me to look at some of the other posts as if they could not possibly be real. Maybe it's out of some misguided hope that there aren't actually people out there who want these things, or possibly just a desire to have some sort of kinship on this awful utility, however hollow. The following is a collection of craigslist posts I believe, or at least hope, are written by liars, liars whose pants are, to some degree, harboring fires.  

Are you a professional athlete?  

I am traveling to (city) this week and would love to meet up for a fun night out with an extremely attractive and fit pro-athlete. I'm only attracted to guys that are 6ft. and taller and who have incredibly toned bodies. Bonus if you are a soccer, hockey or baseball player. About me: 5'6'', 124lbs., blonde hair, very attractive Only replies with a pic will get a response - please don't send me a picture that you wouldn't show your mother.

I like this one because it has layers. It's like reading a real post from an alternate universe craigslist that is only used to connect desirable people and inform job-seekers of genuine, respectable openings at actual companies. Also in that alternate universe, politicians are known for the unquestionable honesty, lawyers are compelled by a near-zealous pursuit of justice and Dan Brown just wrote the great American novel. The above post is a master-craft joke spiced with meta humor and satirical wit. It conjures the absurdist imagery of a hot blonde girl and a buff professional athlete actually using craigslist, a premise that is hilarious enough on its own, but then it really brings the joke home by making it a young woman looking for a one-night stand on the Internet. Seriously, I'm laughing so hard as I type this, I've had to re-write every sentence several times.

I need a sailor Husband

Yup thats pretty much it.... I need you to marry me so I can use your benifits to go to school.... I dont need to live with you, We dont even have to tell people were married, Unless of course you want to, But if you ever need a date, I can be there for you. Please dont respond, and just ask me for a picture, I assure you Im cute, Not that it matters. Dont respond if your over 30 thats just to much of a age difference. Dont offer to pay me for sex, thats not what Im looking for. Dont ask me for kids.... atleast for 4 years while I go to school. I can give you more details if you so chose.

This one is kind of a double-whammy. It takes an over-the-top request and then peppers it with spelling and grammatical errors, many of them just subtle enough to result from actual stupidity. I'm going to have to take some points off for clarity issues, though. Is this fakeposter trying to convince others that (most likely) he is a young woman looking for an actual sailor to marry her, or is this just some obscure term for a fake, absent husband? Either way, this is still at least a silver medal for creativity and detail. I only wish I could see the responses that came in for this ad.

Wanna Fight??

Hey there, I'm looking for someone to fight. I am female, 5'4", 120 lbs, solid guns (muscles) and I have never been in a fist fight before. If you are interested in fighting me I would be very excited to meet with you to fight. Specify a time a location and I will see you there. Thanks. P.S. I think it would be better if we are both drunk when we fight. Also, I would love to see a picture of you. Right off the bat I've gotta say that this is one of my favorite craigslist posts ever. It's like the setup for a subversive comedy sketch. The idea of a petite girl referring to her "guns" and picking a fight for its own sake on craigslist is solid freaking gold. The cherry on top is the P.S. It not only adds another dimension of humor to the post, it also squeezes the ad into that illustrious category of CL posts; the overly-elaborate attempt to con strangers out of booze. I'd like to find the author of this post and shake his or her hand, if only to catch a glimpse of those solid guns and ask to see the replies.