I'm at something of a crossroads, readers. See, I like this job. It's fun to be snide and intermittently cruel for a living. Since my Cat 'O Nine Tails got lost in the mail, I'll have to hold off on my blossoming dungeon dom career and settle for putting the whip to the many laughable horrors of the World Wide Web. But as much as I adore the catharsis of this kind of work, it's forcing me to go deeper into the fetid pits of failed humanity than I ever intended in my naive years of idealistic boyhood. I mean, I can't tell my mother that I spent my day looking at silicone approximations of mythical animal genitals.

Well, I could, but she deserves better than that.

Today, I explored a dark corner of the Internet known as Bad Dragon. In short (because nothing else about this site will be), they are purveyors of special sex toys modeled after what they imagine the penises of creatures that don't even exist look like. The layers of awfulness here are like the filo dough of a bitter baklava of shame and horror. Just trying to imagine the thought process ultimately resulting in a tri-color Gryphon's member has knocked a few more pins out of the scaffolds of my mental wellness.

First, one would have to possess more than just a passing interest in the reproductive organs of magical beings. It might take years to actually take the leap into creating the first drawings, but once that seal is broken it cannot be mended. On some high school trapper-keeper there would have been sketches of fire-breathing dragons popping conspicuous items of manhood, but then a wicked little voice in the artist's head would say, "No, no, no. That shape is far too human. The Bidrog of Curenaress Mountain must have an otherworldly protuberance."

Years of planning would lead to the first clay molds and eventually into the original prototype for an anatomically exact replica of a thing that was always completely imaginary to begin with. And ya know what the truly screwed up part is? I'm sitting here thinking, "Wait. If dragons are lizards, wouldn't they have hemipenes hidden inside a cloaca?" They're dragging me into their terrible world, readers. Please, rescue me or put a bullet in my head out of mercy.

I'm usually not one to attack another's sexual fantasies. We've all got some screwy stuff bouncing around in our brains. Still, I can't quite figure out how any person could get sexual pleasure from an item that, even disregarding the mythical animal theme, doesn't actually fit inside the human body without causing some pretty horrific damage. I'm not just talking about the dragon members scaling 14 inches in length and a greater width than the base of a wine bottle. I'm talking about the squareness of the Fennec Fox model or the crude bulb/box combination of the Demi. I tried looking at their forum for answers, but like some kind of evil Talmud, it only resulted in more questions. Questions I don't even want answered.

Amount of Time Likely to be Wasted: The amount of inexplicable gawking you will experience here will take you out of time. It's like a vortex of disbelief.

Likelihood to Result in Arrest in Real Life: Maybe. When deviant sex is involved, there's always a chance for prosecution. It doesn't help that the site owners frequently list "sexual favors" as a payment method. In their target community, I wouldn't invite such literalism.

MCDR: Find the largest semi-cylinder in your immediate vicinity. Now, go up to it and gently reassure it that you don't want to have sex with it.

Internet Depth by Preposition: In. Being a hopelessly specific sub-category of furry fandom, this is as close to Of as anything can get without crossing the line. But, because this is a functioning business with a real world component, it can't quite transcend.