Contrast and Compare #1

Youtube has made it possible, perhaps more than any other Internet-based outlet, for people to be heard... especially people who ought not to be heard, ever, about anything, ever, for any reason, ever. The more of youtube I watch, the more I'm convinced that as a medium it should be limited to its most useful purpose: Archiving copyrighted content in segments for free consumption.

Every now and then and every single torturous day of my wretched existence somebody stands in front of a webcam and starts spouting some kind of awful dreck just so they can upload it for all the world to see. Some are more grating than others. Still, it's hard to comprehend just how bad this stuff is by comparing it to anything one might see outside of the Internet. Doing that is like comparing a hot day in Detroit to a hot day on VY Canis Majoris. No, to truly understand the depths of horrible to be found on youtube, one must compare the products of the medium to each other.

Which brings me to a fresh-faced bastard who goes by the handle FyreFoxXP. He or she has decided to pimp their own indoctrinated offspring in a recent viral video. As a country, we just finished out an eight-year stretch of Republican hegemony complete with Abstinence-Only Sex Ed and No Child Left Behind. In case over the course of that era of sunshine and rainbows you just couldn't get enough of the Right's anti-abortion talking points, FyreFoxXP has decided to filter them through the most annoying intermediary possible: A precocious 12-year-old girl.

I'm not going to take this space to rant about the stark moralism, religious presumptions and overall flawed logic of those all too familiar arguments carried around by pro-lifers and of course repeated by Little Miss GOP in this video. Rather, I'm just going to get indignant about the awful habit of parents to turn their children into puppets for their already antiquated beliefs. This video is supposedly a practice round for the girl's 7th grade school project. If the kid goes to a particularly extreme Christian private school, I can accept that she would be asked to prepare a speech about why abortion=murdering babies just 'cuz we can. I'm more inclined to believe that this is just some pathetic ploy by a grown person to spread a message online using the novelty of a child talking like an adult.

Even if I agreed with FyreFoxXP's sentiment, I wouldn't be able to stand this kid. I don't like it when accredited experts talk to me like this, let alone some ugly little child. Yes, I called her ugly! I'm not above that. This isn't about solid rhetoric, it's just plain old venom. She's an ugly kid with a stupid haircut.

That's why I've decided to compare FyreFoxXP's daughter to this. See, that's what 12-year-old girls ought to be doing on youtube. Those tween years of societal uselessness should be devoted to making embarrassing videos of one's self singing over horrible music while trying one's best to not look terribly uncomfortable thanks to puberty's relentless physical havoc and a sheer lack of decent clothes for plus-sized adolescents.

Amount of Time Likely to be Wasted: The video is five minutes and twenty seconds long. Use that as a starting point and then factor in how many of your liberal friends you want to piss off by showing it to them.

Likelihood to Result in Arrest in Real Life: Pretty high, actually. Sure, she seems like an intelligent, well-behaved kid now, but just wait until the ATF finds the assault rifle and Stars-and-Stripes bikini FyreFoxXP got for the kid's 13th birthday.

MCDR: Sit in a comfy chair with a stiff drink and think about what life would be like if only FyreFoxXP had gotten an abortion twelve years ago.

Internet Depth by Preposition: In. Blatent attempts at viral videography almost always fall into this category, but the waning relevance of the Republican Party put this one over the top.