While the horrid, self-replicating muck of humanity as recorded on the Internet is my bread and butter (rereading that I realize how disgusting it sounds but I'm keeping it anyway), sometimes I just have to bow in deference to those aspects of the World Wide Web that aren't actively revolting. In fact, there is a whole substrate of Net culture that thrives on the uniquely ludicrous dedications of the many simple folk looking for their scrap of attention. Unlike the dregs of the Demos who commit hours of their lives sketching a schoolgirl ejecting a live giraffe from her rectal cavity, there are people littering the Internet with their borderline-autistic but ultimately harmless hobbies.
Enter heita3.
Like many pointless novelties requiring an intricate attention to detail, the works of heita3 are the product of Japan. Since December 2nd, 2006 The Big H (as I have come to call him) has been crafting working wind instruments from common foods, mostly vegetables. Some are more successful than others.
I'll admit, I got a little tickle of excitement when Big H slowly muttered, "Pahn-Floot-oh des". Heavens to Betsy, I was not disappointed. With wide eyes and a smug smile reminiscent of a contented toad, heita3 let loose his wonderful but restrained talent. His pahn-floot-oh des has a sharp, distinct sound that is utterly indistinguishable from more traditional iterations of the instrument. Truly stunning.
After his slam-dunk with the carrot pan flute, I had high expectations for heita3's other application of everyone's second-favorite orange food. Alas, I was not impressed. The carrot ocarina is not only inferior to the pan flute, but to ocarinas made from other vegetables. The tone is flat, the presentation not nearly as impressive as the greens-twine setup of the pan flute and the overall experience less exhilarating. Possibly if Big H had selected a larger root for his instrument the image could have been salvaged. For now, I'm going to have to call the carrot ocarina an earnest but ultimately lacking project.
"Beeguh Siiiiizzzzeeee-es!" Now this is what I'm looking for in a vegetable ocarina. The Big Broc is, in my arrogant opinion, the epitome of heita3's quest for the perfect edible instrument. Just listen to that sound. Unlike the carrot iteration, the Big Broc ocarina has a sultry, mellow whistle that takes advantage of the medium's girth to create a satisfying vibrato. Extra points for the harpsichord accompaniment by Big H's talented wife. As much as I, like all bitter husks of men, detest Christmas, the Big Broc cuts through the otherwise impassable ice of my dead, frozen heart.
While this video easily wins out on sheer comedy, I'm going to have to disqualify the instrument itself. Not that it's any big loss. The cabbage slide flute is only capable of producing piercing whistles in various octaves. You can't really even call it music. The reason for disqualification is what looks to me like an outside implement for the slide and reed. I'm sorry, a wooden dowel completely defeats the purpose, not to mention insults the spirit, of constructing vegetable instruments.
The last in our ocarina trio departs from heita3's preferred medium of vegetable matter into the realm of edible fungi. According to Big H, the mushroom ocarina is only capable of producing very simple tunes, though I don't know why. Either way, no big loss. As far as ocarinas go, the mushroom version is middling at best. The sound is deeper and more pleasant than the carrot's, but it's nothing special. It basically sounds like those cheap plastic recorders they made us play in elementary school.
Two things: 1. I've never even heard of a butterbur. 2. Utter failure. What's the point in carefully modifying a food for a musical endeavor when the same sound could be easily produced by simulating fart noises with one's lips? Come on, Big H, we know you can do better than this.
There are many more videos of heita3 and his sometimes glorious creations. Really, what puts this novelty over the top for me is Big H's personality. He's so fun and enthusiastic, not to mention informative. The whole prospect may be ridiculous, but gosh darn it that little Japanese scamp sure as hell entertained me.
Amount of Time Likely To Be Wasted: A half hour easily, but this could be extended to several hours by repeat viewings.
Likelihood to Result in Arrest in Real Life: Not at all likely. Unless heita3 expands his expertise to adult toys, his wonderful creations will remain street-legal worldwide.
MCDR: The only thing that you might have to erase from your consciousness concerning heita3 is the infectious whistle of his many ocarinas. A couple hours of Stan Getz oughtta do the trick.
Internet Depth by Preposition: On. Big H may upload more videos than most people, but they're high quality and his craft seems like it's just a clever byproduct of his more traditional musical talents. He doesn't need to do this, he just likes it.
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