January 2010

  • Youtube Nation: Gymnastics Fanatics

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    So, the Winter Olympics are just around the corner, which means that approximately nobody gives a damn except for that friend everyone has who still thinks it's 1997 and any respectable people still pretend that "extreme" sports like half-pipe snowboarding are cool. This hasn't stopped the continually flailing folks at NBC from dedicating whole UHF stations to qualifying runs. Skiing, bobsledding and whatever gerund is applied to the luge plays all day, every day as if people enjoy them. Sadly, the Winter Games are never more interesting than the host location, but this year it's in Canada, so that's out as well. No, the only remotely interesting things about the Olympics have to do with the Summer Games, but even then most of us only pretend to be excited for them.



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  • Craigslist Files #57: Somebody's Mom

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    Andy Ward loves his mom... but not like thatAndy Ward loves his mom... but not like that

    It's not exactly a misconception that the Internet is a young person's medium, but that doesn't mean there aren't a significant number of confirmed grown-ups enjoying these tubes and generally being confounded by the near-nihilistic craziness of its patterns. If the photos uploaded to the Adult Services section are any indication, there are plenty of middle-aged folks using craigslist these days. But seeing as I've already spent more time writing about Internet prostitutes than any young man really ought to, I decided to return to the discussion forums in search of any silver-haired denizens of the List. Lucky for me, the forums have an Over 50 section, ironically situated in between the Outdoor and P.O.C. (people of color) sections. Because, as we all know, all people over the age of 50 are white racists who never leave their homes for fear of shriveling up in the cruel light of the sun. Let's see what they have to offer to the world of online discourse.



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  • VeteransHelping.org: The Little Website That Couldn't

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    who? who gave this site a seal of approval?who? who gave this site a seal of approval?

    I write a humor blog about the Internet, but I'd like to think that doesn't make me a hypocrite when I say that I want the Internet to be more respectable. It seems to be taking an inordinate amount of time for this medium to be taken seriously in the wider world despite its obvious contribution to everything from international commerce to politics. It's reductive and just plain wrong to believe that the presence of porn (ahem, lots of porn) and other kinds of human absurdity automatically makes the Internet dismissible. After all, there's arguably more smut and dreck among the printed word than affecting or thought-provoking literature, but we don't think of books as being inherently less respectable than other media. No, if anything keeps the Internet branded an intellectual pariah, it's the sheer laziness of sites like VeteransHelping.org.



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  • Youtube Nation: Hot For Words and The New Celebrity

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    I'm a naysayer. Whenever something new and potentially groundbreaking pops into existence I'm much more willing to assume it'll fail to live up to anyone's expectations for it than to hope it'll be the next big thing. Especially where the Internet is concerned, I just don't have much faith in the ability of individuals or groups to realize true potential. Virtual systems almost all necessarily start out as toys, only later blossoming into useful technologies and often through inexplicable means. Youtube is a prime example. In its humble beginnings I was pretty sure it would remain a full-motion version of Livejournal, but then something strange and wonderful happened to the Internet. In short, it became legitimate. With the help of a few dedicated individuals who actually know what they're doing, web media evolved beyond the toy chest. Case in point, Marina Orlova, a spunky Moscovite who may just be the world's only celebrity philologist.



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  • Craigslist Files #56: Hookers, Hookers Everywhere

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    I honestly believe that craigslist will be the subject of an in-depth future study of Internet trends and human social behavior. By then the site will be defunct, as I frequently insist that we are indeed living in the age of craigslist's slow but inevitable decline. See, there's a difference between living and thriving. Craigslist is active, it's alive, but it's no more thriving than a potted plant in a college dorm room. The site's bad habits and unhealthy developments are slowly killing it, or at least setting the stage for whatever does eventually kill it. It's like your old uncle who drinks too much, smokes cigars and lives on fast food, and not mainstream fast food, but the cut-rate local burger stands with depressingly ramshackle facades. The booze, tobacco and Bubba Burgers aren't exactly killing Uncle Jake, but they're slowly fostering a wide variety of nasty conditions that will one day claim his life. On craigslist, the Bubba Burger is prostitution.



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  • Degradation Station: My Limit

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    this is as close as I gotthis is as close as I got

    It has become a cliche that the artist suffers for his art. He'll endure pain, sadness and revulsion, all in the name of his one true calling. Sometimes I feel like there's an art to blogging, a certain set of nuanced skills one can apply to this virtual industry that goes beyond simple method. But then that fateful day comes when all would-be artists are challenged by the very nature of what they do. For those of us who work on the Internet, the limit always has been and always will be porn. Readers, I cannot call myself a blogging artist because I have discovered the edge of my will to cover Internet content and I refuse to go over it.



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  • Youtube Nation: Disease, Depression and Grandma

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    Because winter is the time when everything good about life either dies or becomes significantly less pleasant, disease has found its way into my apartment. Common sickness does strange things to the human psyche, including increasing its desire for old TV shows. Last night I sat with my roommate, the bastard who brought the dreaded seasonal rhinovirus into this home, and we flipped through the few channels we could get on our digitally-converted antenna TV, stopping occasionally on whatever program our plague-addled minds found interesting. This led us more often than not to one of several PBS stations. After watching Rick Steves embarrass his fantastically white self in Iran, we delighted in the grandmotherly decadence of Julia Child and her caretaker/assistant Jacques. Two things occurred to me then: Ouch, my throat really hurts, and cooking shows have really, really low production values. So, I decided to pop over to Youtube to see what the cheap videographers of the medium have to offer in the form of cooking shows.



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  • Craigslist Files #55: First Impressions

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    A common bit of advice for using the craigslist Personals to find real dates, other than to click your heels together and think happy thoughts in a bid to evoke some kind of arcane magic, is to always include a picture. Of course, only a fraction of all the Personals ads actually have an image attached, and even just a small portion of those are pictures of people. It'd be a smidgen too easy to simply go into one of the LTR sections and grab posts that reel people in with pictures of sunsets or whatever. Everybody knows that those pics are just shorthand for "By the way, I'm also really insecure about my appearance and I'm willing to insult your intelligence as a result". No, I'm more interested in those poor fools who actually follow the above advice and post real pictures of themselves on what is possibly the worst place to find a date on the Internet, which is a lot like the worst part of the landfill to find your dinner. So, this week I won't even be looking at the text of the selected posts. In all of the following selections, I only ever saw the picture. Here's how people are presenting themselves in pictorial.



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  • Meme Hunting: Ralph Pootawn

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    I am utterly fascinated by memes. Because I've never really been a denizen of the Internet's many image boards and forums, I can't say that I'm ever up to date on what the latest memes are or even how most of them came to be. I suppose I'd like to keep it that way. I prefer memes to have a mysterious quality to them, as if they just materialized out of the ether one day. Most of them undoubtedly start as crappy photoshop jokes launched into the world by bored teenagers, but in the hands of the faceless many they achieve a transcendent quality. Memes are no longer just jokes, they're practically metaphysical. They are references to references, surreal alterations of individual moments in time. Memes are annoying and beautiful, disgusting and unique, immature and disarmingly smart. But inherent to the qualities of memes is a short lifespan. Memes disappear with little ceremony, their trails all but erased.



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  • Youtube Nation: Drunks on Parade

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    Ever since the age of 18, which was the first time I ever lived in a big city, I've wondered just what it takes to send a person into the forbidden depths of complete reckless abandon. How exactly did the street corner bum become a bum? At what point did the full-on drunk transition from being a heavy but functional drinker to the hopeless gutter-dweller that he is now? While the change from contributing member of society to wretch is almost certainly a gradual process, there's got to be a single, defining moment. Just like growing regional tensions eventually resulted in the assassination of Franz Ferdinand to begin the First World War, the epic slosh in this week's video had to have a pivotal moment in his likely sordid history to culminate in his fifteen minutes of Internet fame.



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  • Craigslist Files #54: Fer'ners

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    One of the Internet's greatest contributions to society is its ability to connect people from all over the world who otherwise never would have come in contact with one another. Even more remarkable is how readily Internet users from around the globe accept each other. For previous generations, just getting a rock record from England was a big deal, an exotic rarity that had all the allure of a 19th century trip to India. Today it's commonplace to watch a video from Croatia, listen to a pop song from Japan and, thanks to the likes of Ebay and craigslist, buy a used DVD player off some guy in Canada, all from the deep-fried economic shambles of the good old US of A. In fact, posts from foreign people may just be my favorite part of craigslist. They provide all the bad spelling and horrible grammar of a crappy American post minus the exasperation and disappointment of realizing my nation's public education system is a mess, and they frequently contain nuggets of delicious insanity that you just can't get from a domestic.



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  • Lunar Land, or How Corporations Will Rule Outer Space

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    enjoy this image before it's eventually copyrightedenjoy this image before it's eventually copyrighted

    When a friend recently directed me to LunarLand.com, a website that supposedly attempts to sell real estate on Earth's moon to terrestrial people in exchange for actual legal tender, I went through a few different stages of analysis and acceptance. At first I was a little offended that something so obviously absurd exists on the Internet and probably profits, then I registered some surprise at how clean and professional the site actually is. I mean, I expect something as silly as Lunar Land to be wrought with misspellings, all-caps text and many a broken table. The fact that it looks like a respectable website is actually a bit startling. At the next stage I came to my senses and assumed that the whole thing is an elaborate joke, a satire of Internet scams and corporate greed. Then I decided to read a little deeper, even into the often overlooked Terms of Service and I came to a bizarre, worrying conclusion: Lunar Land is not only real, it's actually legitimate and kind of ingenious.



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