November 2009

  • I Dream of Internet

    By msarko on 11/30/09 7:34pm
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    Andy Ward needs a hugAndy Ward needs a hug

    I wholeheartedly look forward to life on the Internet in approximately 10-15 years. By then, an entire generation of people who have spent their entire lives online will have finally become adults and it's possible that their maturation will make this virtual space a bit more respectable. For now, an overwhelming percentage of the people in these truck-bearing tubes aren't even old enough to drink, so a disproportionate amount of Web content sounds like high school cafeteria. Included in this terrible infantilization of our time's most influential technology are fundamentally interesting sites like Everybody Dreams. I have to admit, I find the premise of this project genuinely intriguing, but I'm naturally disappointed by the results.



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  • Youtube Nation: Modern Warfare Against Walls

    By msarko on 11/27/09 5:04pm
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    Oh, I do love a good freakout. Youtube is like some kind of Bizarro-World version of America's Funniest Home Videos except that instead of attempting to funny, most of the entries are just sad. I guess that's what I find really attractive about the site. Youtube is essentially tragic, a fundamentally melancholic display of human loneliness and desperation. Still, it's one thing to make fun of Youtubers who suck at making jokes or are oblivious to their own lack of musical talent and another to witness somebody recording something that no one in their right mind would want to share with the world.



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  • Craigslist Files #49: Rockstars (of minimum wage)

    By msarko on 11/25/09 2:16pm
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    Andy Ward plays twelve string guitar with his artAndy Ward plays twelve string guitar with his art

    The sad fact of human desperation is that people screw each other over a lot harder and more frequently in times of scarcity instead of helping each other out like they ought to. When economies crash, scammers and other scum of the business world go into a feeding frenzy, dragging a lot of broke people deeper into debt and humiliation for the sake of ill-gotten profits. Sounds a lot like a significant portion of craigslist, doesn't it? See, while I enjoy the inherent absurdity of some of the ugliness on craigslist, I'm genuine in my feelings that it represents, and over-represents, a lot of the worst parts of our society. I'd rather see banner ads on the site so they can employ some people to filter out all the trash than keep the front page clean and let the rats nest unmolested. Sadly, you can't make three clicks on craigslist without stepping in a steaming pile of something like today's entries.



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  • Awful Flash Game Roundup: Juggalo Games

    By msarko on 11/23/09 5:54pm
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    you, too, can be a winneryou, too, can be a winner

    The Internet is often touted for its focus on the future, but that's only half of the story. For every neat-o, sci-fi advance the Net makes possible, like video chat and instant-access encyclopedias, there is at least one element of the past rescued by technology to live long past its fated end. While there may be some cultural value to preserving the pre-Jeopardy career of Alex Trebek, I just can't say the same for the Internet-supported longevity of The Insane Clown Posse and the Juggalo trend they started. ICP and all they represent rightly should have ceased to exist by the end of the 90's yet that nonsensical fashion keeps on shambling through the halls of American society. Just a quick jaunt through your preferred search engine will turn up a disturbing variety of Juggalo-related results, including today's hub of awfulness, Juggalo Games.



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  • Youtube Nation: Ninja-tube

    By msarko on 11/20/09 7:18pm
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    If the Internet is a highway, then memes are Waffle Houses and crappy motel chains. You don't really want to stop at any of them, but if you're on the road for long enough it's practically inevitable. It was only a matter of time before this rickety internal combustion vessel called Net Insanity broke down alongside a greasy little shack with a buzzing neon sign reading "Ninjas". The only recourse is to loosen my belt, fortify my stomach with preemptive antacids and hope for the best.



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  • Craigslist Files #48: The Free Stuff Game Show

    By msarko on 11/18/09 6:08pm
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    Do you have an eye for horrible things that no one would ever want? Do you live your life on the Internet? Are you so starved for attention that you would gladly humiliate yourself in front of an untold number of strangers just so you could have a brief, unmemorable moment in an almost impossibly dim spotlight? Well now is your chance! It's time to play nobody's favorite game show, What's Wrong With That Free Stuff? The game is simple. We'll show you an ad from the craigslist Free Stuff page and you tell us what's so bad about it that its owners have resorted to the worst place on Earth to get rid of it. Answer correctly and you can win a (not so) fabulous prize!



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  • CNN=More Insane Than a Right-Wing Militia

    By msarko on 11/16/09 5:57pm
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    Apparently "Militia" is one of the new American Gladiators, which is a lot funnier than pictures of an actual militiaApparently "Militia" is one of the new American Gladiators, which is a lot funnier than pictures of an actual militia

    I spend several days a week sifting through some of the most ridiculous content on the Internet and sometimes I just get too comfortable in my surroundings. I come to expect insanity in certain places while I assume it won't blossom in others. But the Internet never ceases to surprise me. It inverts my assumptions and proves that this young technology is still so unpredictable. Over the weekend I stubbed my electronic toe on two different kinds of madness. One was eerie paranoia and the other was classical pants-on-head goofballism.



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  • Youtube Nation: The Girl/Boy-friend Experience

    By msarko on 11/13/09 6:06pm
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    I have to admit, I was in something of a malaise about this weekly feature that lasted for a good month. I felt like maybe the strange media outlet that is Youtube wasn't as deep and varied as I had once hoped. I wandered through the site avoiding all of the TV clips, music videos and indistinguishably annoying vloggers, trying to find something unique and entertaining. Just when it seemed there was nothing left for me to analyze and/or mock, I stumbled across a fascinating video using the only true method of Youtube-ing, the random connection. I didn't set out to find "Ohhh Myyy Goddddd!", it just happened to be in the Related Videos section of another clip that most certainly was not at all related to it. I'm still convinced that I found something remarkable and now is my chance to prove it.



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  • Craigslist Files #47: Career Center

    By msarko on 11/11/09 5:23pm
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    the number of images deep before porn showed up in a GIS for "job"the number of images deep before porn showed up in a GIS for "job"

    By far the largest section of craigslist is its Jobs listings. Every day on the pages for major cities, thousands of jobs are posted in 33 current categories. A lot of them are real, but then again that's a rather vague distinction. Many craigslist job posts are real in the same sense that a number of Women Seeking Men posts are real. Sure, this particular post was written by a real person who is actually looking for a date with a man on craigslist, but there's a pretty good chance that the stats and/or picture in the post are either not representative of the poster at present or were never true to begin with. Just like Personals terms like Average, Curvy, HWP and Not A Supermodel all translate to Fat, Ugly and Full of Lies, the job posts are sustained by all kinds of misdirection and double-speak.



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  • Stars of the Internet (and beyond): Vern Fonk

    By msarko on 11/9/09 5:58pm
    4 Comments

    Judging by the way my comments section fills up with vitriol and the way small children burst into tears whenever I enter their field of vision, I've come to assume others tend to see me as a negative sort of guy. I mean, sure, it is my job to make fun of things I find on the Internet, which is a lot like pelting a Special Ed class with water balloons full of tar, but there's more to me than that. I'm not just some angry drunk who assaults strangers with electronic literature, I'm also one of those insufferable twats who gets a kick out of gaudy shamelessness and isn't afraid to celebrate it. For example, I love the holiday season, but not because I'm into things like colorful lights and goodwill toward anyone. Heck, I don't even observe the empty consumerist version of Christmas (or the meaningful religious one, for that matter). No, I love the holiday season because every neighborhood has at least one jerk who goes way overboard with his decorations. I'm talking a million blinking lights on his house, a robotic Santa with an elaborate sleigh, even a giant, glowing crucifix in his lawn. I love that jerk for his excess. Similarly, I love jerks like insurance salesman Vern Fonk for his.



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  • Youtube Nation: 2012 Starring YOU!!!

    By msarko on 11/6/09 5:21pm
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    I can never decide which I enjoy more, conspiracy theories or doomsday scenarios. So, when I come across epically ridiculous bits of homebrew media like Your Own World, I feel like I'm the first kid to ever eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Your Own World is an almost impossibly entertaining mix of non-science, apocalyptic scare-mongering and stupidity so immense it attracts other kinds of stupidity with its gravitational tug. Best of all, it belongs to that most absurd depository of crazy, the Nibiru label.



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  • Craigslist Files #46: Highway to L

    By msarko on 11/4/09 3:41pm
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    Got a problem with cheese? Why don't YOU try doing a work-safe image search for "lesbian"Got a problem with cheese? Why don't YOU try doing a work-safe image search for "lesbian"

    Even though craigslist has a multitude of different pages, each with its own special brand of absurdity, I have to admit that the Personals section has an unending allure to me. It's like some kind of eternally burning ember of doomed hope, a queue of people who refuse to communicate with one another despite the potential helpfulness of encouragement or warning. Posters keep on going back for more, maybe out of stubbornness or desperation or spite. What's even more fascinating is that each subsection has a distinct flavor. The Men Seeking Women page is a grand display of social cluelessness, the Women Seeking Men page a mix of obvious lies and incredible self-delusion. Of course, those are the same descriptors we can apply to heterosexual dating in the real world. Anyone who has visited either of the same-sex dating pages can tell you that they are worlds unto themselves. The Men Seeking Men page is nothing other than sex without the pretense of real social interaction. As such, it's probably the most successful page on the entire site. But the Women Seeking Women page is a different creature altogether.



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