July 2009

  • Youtube Nation: A Word About Cats

    By msarko on 7/31/09 4:36pm
    3 Comments

    Back in the days when I was a useless drain on society (re: college), I visited an academic advisor for general education requirements. Unlike Major advisors, general education types got shoved into windowless corners like a shameful secret. In the sub-basement of one of the Humanities buildings I met with this woman to discuss the progress of my education, only to find myself surrounded with cat paraphernalia in frightening density. The wall was lined with cat mugs, snow globes, photos, plush dolls and office supplies. For some reason, this behavior still isn't considered a sign of mental imbalance.

    Read more >

  • Craigslist Files #32: I Believe in Craigslist

    By msarko on 7/29/09 5:05pm
    Add Comment

    Because I just love it when people are so blinded by their own stupidity to understand context, I decided to embrace a recent post on Net Insanity's comments section. As any regular readers surely know, I have no problem antagonizing my commenters, especially when they decide to be stone-faced serious on what is obviously a humor blog. So, I present to you the following anonymous comment from the first Youtube Nation article. 

    "Dude, there is a God. You're just to stupid to realize that there is. Dumb atheist...."

    And apparently you're too stupid to realize that there's a difference between "to" and "too". You might also note that, while I'm no fan of fundamentalists, I'm not an atheist. Those who have been paying attention might have noticed that I'm one of those liberal commie Jews because I mention it every five minutes. Still, the above comment got me thinking about the bizarre confluence of ignorance that is the Internet mixed with religion. What better place than craigslist to find a representative sample of the less reasonable side of faith online?



    Read more >

  • There's A Hole In My Heart... Scratch That. Yard.

    By msarko on 7/27/09 6:05pm
    Add Comment

    American country people are a mystery to me. More so than remote tribes in the Amazon rainforest, even more than the countless minuscule quasi-nations that sprung up around the Black Sea after the Iron Curtain fell. As an American myself, I just can't wrap my mind around the motives and practices of the provincial set. I'm avoiding the term "hicks" because I think there's a major distinction between hicks and country people. A hick can live anywhere, even in the middle of a thriving metropolis. Hick-ness is a state of mind, a set of predictable behaviors stemming from a dire lack of culture and an outright dearth of intelligence. Country people, just like city people, have to deal with hicks in their midst, but that's all. Hicks in the country, like fundamentalist Christians when they need a convenient excuse for moral apathy and tax evasion, are in many worlds but are not of them.



    Read more >

  • Youtube Nation: I Like My Music Like I Like My Potatoes

    By msarko on 7/26/09 2:57pm
    Add Comment

    Undisputed god of grungeUndisputed god of grunge

    What does Youtube have in common with Star Trek conventions?

    Well, yeah, both are primarily populated by sad, lonely people with no lives. But what else?

    Okay, yes, both are completely unnecessary mutations of pop culture and modern media that only exist because of a surprisingly extant demographic. Try again.

    Alright, I'll also concede that I would sooner attend a simultaneous root canal and prostate exam than be seen at either a Star Trek convention or on Youtube, but that's not what I'm talking about today.



    Read more >

  • Craigslist Files #31: Death Metal Edition

    By msarko on 7/22/09 4:33pm
    Add Comment

    Finland: Earth's snow factoryFinland: Earth's snow factory

    It's time once again to travel to one of the more exotic craigslist sites. We've taken a look at the ugly but well-worded proclivities of merry old England and delved into the surprisingly shady dealings of Egypt. Today we're heading to Finland, the place from which both brutal heavy metal and cold weather itself hail. Thanks to the few but pervasive cultural imports from Finland, we Americans have something of a skewed view of the country. Just like Bjork, Sigur Ros and Lazytown have managed to paint Iceland as a surreal, bizarre, but ultimately gentle mescaline trip of a nation, the likes of Lordi and the Dudesons have led Americans to believe that Finland is nothing but a series of deeply troubled mountain towns that spew pure anguish into the world. If the Finland craigslist page is any indication, the real country is actually just a single, terminally boring city surrounded by painfully provincial fields.



    Read more >

  • Establishing A Scam

    By msarko on 7/20/09 4:06pm
    9 Comments

    Gold-diggers are the most abhorrent women on planet Earth. They mix rank materialism with manipulative lies and a complete forfeit of self-respect. They're basically the Frankenstein's Monster of feminism, all that talk of empowerment rampaging through the village because the majority of its being is irrevocably rotten. For some reason, gold-diggers have been slow to adopt the Internet. Maybe it's because 90-year-old real estate moguls aren't hip to whatever Google's doing, or maybe it was just a major blind spot. Now, for better or worse, the gold-diggers have congregated on a single website where we can ridicule them as they deserve. That site is Established Men.

    Read more >

  • Youtube Nation: Science-ology Just Didn't Sound Real Enough

    By msarko on 7/17/09 11:48pm
    Add Comment

    Though the point of this blog is to plumb the ridiculous depths of the Internet and find the mistakes of nature that dwell along the bottom of the ugly abyss, I have managed to avoid the floating minefield of memes and stereotypes that come with the territory. Still, I feel compelled to address the role of Scientology in the medium of Youtube.



    Read more >

  • Craigslist Files #30: Wet, Sticky, Awkward Passion

    By msarko on 7/15/09 8:04pm
    Add Comment

    You're lucky I cut off the picture where I did.You're lucky I cut off the picture where I did.

    If SPAM email was the new junk mail ten years ago, then crap-posts on craigslist are the new junk mail of today. Some sections of the site are so full of scams, dodgy business offers and questionably legal services that they've permanently transformed into something very different than their title suggests. Take the General page in the Community section. By its name, one might think this is a page for, say, festival listings and ads for farmer's markets. Nope. General Community has mutated into a hodgepodge of meaninglessness and sub-M4W desperation. Take this post, for example:

     

    Need 600.00 willing to do whatever it takes

    Read more >

  • A Hard Pill To Swallow And Not Die From Swallowing It

    By msarko on 7/13/09 5:05pm
    Add Comment

    death wears stupid, stupid clothingdeath wears stupid, stupid clothing

    Though I may frequently seem blunt or even crude, the truth is that being a humorist is delicate work. Making fun of the stupid, the insane or the otherwise absurd has inherent dangers, not the least of which is a breach of my admittedly few ethical responsibilities. So, when Peaceful Pill came across my proverbial desk, I found myself at an almost instant impasse. Suicide is no laughing matter and though I am a generally unscrupulous person, I still wouldn't go so far as to make light of such an incomprehensible tragedy. So, I want to make it clear from the outset that I'm not mocking terminally ill people when I set my sights on Peaceful Pill. Rather, I'm mocking the dangerous ghouls who are attempting to profit from what is essentially Suicide For Dummies.

    Read more >

  • Youtube Nation: A Return to Community Channel

    By msarko on 7/10/09 5:23pm
    1 Comment

    Several months ago, I featured youtube vlogger Community Channel on the Stars of the Internet column. I criticized CC's shaky scripting and cited her lack of essential self-editing skills. In short, her otherwise passable bits went on way too long. I wrote that, "Maybe given some time, a good director and a bigger budget, CC might actually be a decent performer." Well, it's been seven months, CC has more subscribers than anyone else from her entire continent (thus a sizable income from all those views) and she's gotten downright fancy with her vlog posts. So, I'm going to take this opportunity to give Ms. Natalie Tran, aka Community Channel, a much-deserved update.



    Read more >

  • Craigslist Files #29: Ugh in the City

    By msarko on 7/8/09 6:05pm
    Add Comment

    bahahahahahahaha!bahahahahahahaha!

    There's nothing more tragically humorous than someone who's enthusiastic about a terrible idea. Craigslist is basically a depository for such people, a place where the worst ideas in the world stand neatly in line, waiting for their turn to be dismissed by a wall of insensitive laughter. The only difference between most craigslist posters and other wrongly enthusiastic people is that craigslisters have an air of desperation about them. Picture, if you will, a 27-year-old accountant coming into her office one day, positively aglow with a creative spark she's sure will start a five-alarm fire of applause. As she describes her plan, she slowly comes to realize by the looks on her coworkers' faces that a stilts-only lane on major commuter roads isn't as ingenious as it sounded that morning in the shower. Still, for a brief hour or two, she was on top of the world and she's still young enough to grow. Put that same scenario in a 45-year-old accountant and you'll have an understanding of what an office made of craigslist would be like.



    Read more >

  • Because I Can

    By msarko on 7/6/09 11:26pm
    1 Comment

    So, I was just gonna do an article about another hilariously obvious Internet scam today, but then I saw my unusually busy comments section and decided to rekindle my passion for a pastime of my arrogant youth. Namely, poking angry, stupid things with a proverbial stick. Recently I wrote a couple of articles on this very site, a humor blog that makes no pretense of journalistic integrity whatsoever, that drew the ire of what I'm assuming is a grand total of two people, one of whom is engaging in the time-honored Internet tradition of pretending to be several people at once so the mean man on the website will feel bad for writing mean things about him with his mean words.

    Read more >

  • CNN Made My Day... Twice

    By msarko on 7/4/09 6:31am
    1 Comment

    This is awesome. This is... this is just so freaking spectacular. I've been waiting for this day for so, so long. Our country is going to be so much better now that this day has finally come. And to think, those headless journalistic chickens at CNN are at the center of it all! Oh, I am as giddy as the first school kid who ever licked up a line of Colombian coke thinking it was a pixie stick.



    Read more >

  • Craigslist Files #28: Acting!

    By msarko on 7/1/09 3:33pm
    Add Comment

    I'm the one on the rightI'm the one on the right

    I was just gonna come here to post a typical Craigslist Files. It was going to be a series of woefully misguided ads with a healthy dose of mockery. We would have had some laughs, maybe a couple of beers, talked about old times, the way Mr. Peterson's comb-over would stick up in the middle of science class without him even knowing it, that stolen kiss in Tommy Beecher's garden. But no, something else decided to creep into my veins via the poison pen of the craigslist Writing Gigs section.

    Read more >

  • Gymnastic's Problem

    By cobwebsandstrange on 7/1/09 11:10am
    Add Comment

    I don't usually post over here, but this video right here is pretty incredible...watch it three times and see if you don't wanna watch it again.