December 2008

  • Psychic Kids from 1995

    By msarko on 12/29/08 2:31pm
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    Parents are truly amazing people. They are put in charge, by government or nature, of weak, impressionable individuals who they proceed to screw up in some pretty creative ways. Whenever I hear stories of more traditional methods of child abuse, like assault or verbal degradation, I wonder whether or not the perpetrators of those crimes were aware of the lush tapestry of potential abuses available to parents today. The Internet is an ever-expanding catalog of ways to irreparably damage one's offspring. Why tell your tyke he's a worthless little worm when you could, I don't know, convince him he has fabulous psychic powers?

    Many parents want their kids to be extraordinary. Also, many parents will pay strangers a ridiculous amount of money to give them proof that their kids are extraordinary. That's where the good thieves over at the PeeKS Group come in. For just a smidgen over $200 you can force your weird kid to take a four-class workshop in why he's a Crystal Child, care of a thinly-veiled non-denominational Christian minister and his wife, a practiced con-artist who wears too much makeup. But don't worry, she has a degree in psychology.

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  • Stars of the Internet: JimboPedia

    By msarko on 12/26/08 3:32am
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    Mercy me, is it that time of year already? With the end of 2008 fast approaching, many of us get introspective. We think back to all the good times, revive our regrets and try to figure out how to be better people in the coming year. For Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales the New Year is a time for reflection, specifically about how his remarkably shady, stupendously public and utterly idiotic business plan could possibly be hemorraging money yet again.

    Thanks to Andy Ward for this image.

    As an organization, The Wikimedia Foundation costs several million dollars a year to run. Thanks to a lack of advertising or, ya know, a method of actually producing funds, this increasingly unwieldy behemoth is in dire straits.

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  • Craigslist Wednesday: Ho ho... oh...

    By msarko on 12/24/08 12:43am
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    Merry Christmas, cretins. While the lot of you are probably sitting next to a roaring fire in your ridiculous sweaters, drinking your ridiculous eggy concoctions and eating a bunch of food my people were forbidden to eat thousands of years ago, I'm sitting here, in the cold, a stomach full of bargain frozen pizza and a hard drive full of unspeakable dreck from the godless Internet. But no matter how loathsome my life becomes because of YOU and your endless appetite for stupid pseudo-culture, at least I know my life isn't as absurd as the people who posted the following ads on that bastion of all that is wrong in the world, craigslist.  



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  • My Fingers Hate Life

    By msarko on 12/22/08 1:31am
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    Have you ever sat at home or at work or in the waiting room of the methadone clinic thinking, "Ya know what I could go for? A horrible, worthless game that isn't even entertaining." Well, I have. Nothing distracts me from my withdrawal shakes quite like the worst flash games ever made. Today, I'll be sharing two of those such games with you, playing them so you don't have to.



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  • Stars of the Internet: Case File- heita3

    By msarko on 12/19/08 10:20pm
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    While the horrid, self-replicating muck of humanity as recorded on the Internet is my bread and butter (rereading that I realize how disgusting it sounds but I'm keeping it anyway), sometimes I just have to bow in deference to those aspects of the World Wide Web that aren't actively revolting. In fact, there is a whole substrate of Net culture that thrives on the uniquely ludicrous dedications of the many simple folk looking for their scrap of attention. Unlike the dregs of the Demos who commit hours of their lives sketching a schoolgirl ejecting a live giraffe from her rectal cavity, there are people littering the Internet with their borderline-autistic but ultimately harmless hobbies.

    Enter heita3.

    Like many pointless novelties requiring an intricate attention to detail, the works of heita3 are the product of Japan.

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  • Democracy is a Failure: The Craigslist Files #1

    By msarko on 12/17/08 1:32am
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    Those of us who grew up in the United States of America have been raised on an educational curriculum that just assumes that a government by and for the people it governs is a good thing. Sure, it all sounds rosy on paper. Everybody loves freedom, happiness, being heard and being compensated. All the same, I'm pretty certain that if the founding fathers had been given five minutes with craigslist they'd have written the following letter to King George:  

    Our Great and Wise Sovereign, On the occasion of His Majesty's most momentous birthday, the good and humble people of Great Britain's colonies in the New World conspired to compose a document that would most surely fill the Royal Court with uproarious laughter. Regrettably, our inferior colonial calenders indicated His Majesty's birthday as taking place in July when it rightly takes place in June, so our little joke found its way into your blessed hands at a time when it would not be recognized as the playful jest that it was. To think, independence and representation for the people of the colonies! We are all of us laughing even now. For the love of the Almighty and all that is holy on His earth, let us remain under your benevolent rule for eternity, -Your Humble Subjects in America



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  • My Inconvenience is Your Time-Killer at Work

    By msarko on 12/10/08 10:51pm
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    The Internet. Ideally, it is an infinite depository of knowledge, a cheap method of instantaneous communication capable of disregarding any distance between two people on the planet Earth, a business multi-tool that perpetually revolutionizes the way commerce functions on any micro or macro plane.

    The Internet is also a place where people laugh at cats for five hours and make videos of themselves on the toilet.

    While I can honestly say that the good Internet, the one described in the first paragraph, has made my life happier than it could have ever been without it, one must take the bitter with the sweet. It has become my task to catalog and comment upon some of the very worst the World Wide Web has to offer.

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